Silence of the BOOM - The EX factor

Within the last week alone, I have had 3 different people I know talk about an ex that is harassing them. THREE PEOPLE in 1 week! I too was dealing with the same issue today hence the inspiration for a new blog post.

Scenario:
There is a break - up. Things like this happen all of the time. We tighten our belts and do our best to suck it up. We go through our emotional rollercoaster, ride ends, our head stops spinning then we move forward and carefully choose our next ride (if we can still hold our lunch from the last one). The time frame for this is subjective. In my own case 5 weeks. You meet someone new. Whether its love or what I like to call, a "bookmark", it works (see my post - "It is what it is"). We feel good, appreciated, comforted, and entertained. Maybe from there we DO find someone else to our surprise or luck. Maybe it’s certain life choices that motivate us to move forward positively and optimistically. Either way, we've CHOSEN to be happy (see post: Positive Poisoning). Then it happens.....the ex comes back for the kill. Between texts, emails, and calls, it’s a bunch of threats, name calling, personal attacks, and angry venting. WTF?

I spent my ME time, gym time, thinking about this. Why is it that when WE stop sulking and progress that the ex positions him/herself for a character assassination?? Is it coincidental? Is it a carefully planned assault? My guess: it’s the disturbing silence.

Let's go back to the rollercoaster analogy. You know that slow climb to the top? The climb that you know will be a gut wrenching drop? Have you ever noticed, even with noise, there is a silence? You can see darkness or the bright sky but it’s nothing...a blank canvas...plus you and your thoughts. That moment can be scarier than the drop itself. THIS is what happens in your ex's mind when the hunt begins. THAT's what happens in YOUR mind when you have that uncontrollable urge to tell them swim in a pool of glass then wash off with alcohol. It’s that BOOM that occurs after the silence. But this post is not about you, it’s about them.

Breaks CAN be fairly easy...breakup, tear, pain, hate, anger, friends, family, the new one, the new thing, time passes, moving on, give me my shit back, you are off my Facebook, maybe we can be friends "later", officially moved on. Pretty simple, right? The only hard part is the time it takes BUT deep down we know months/year(s) from now, it won't be that bad in retrospect. We've gone through this already. but....BUT...there is that one person you come across in your lifetime that won't let anything go even if THEY are the ones that wronged us. It’s like they are wondering "how come after what I did, they are smiling again"? "Are they mocking me with their peace"? "Let me test to see if there is still something there for me to f$%k with". All these questions happen; you guessed it, during the silence. It’s purely an attempt to boost their ego at your expense. It’s for them to feel that they can control and manipulate you at their convenience - help them out of their silence. Think about it...if they were REALLY happy and REALLY busy, they wouldn't have time to create problems and instigate. On the contrary, they would do everything humanly possible to nurture the silence and slither around you to their hole unnoticed. But instead, they:

• Create false and exaggerated stories about you to make other "take their side" and play drums in their Hate You band. I pity the one-sided souls that believe them.
• They claim you are harassing them. They contact you telling you to leave them alone and to move on. Just writing this line made me laugh.
• They try to make your friends and loyals, THEIR friends and loyals. It’s a chess checkmate attempt. They figure the more of your "pieces" they have, the less moves you can make. This is a big favor. They can help you weed out the bad people in your life. It’s like they are taking the trash out for you. But...why would you want my trash???? Anyway...What about the good ones? They'll let you know what’s up, try not to fall for tricks and keep things right with you so don't worry about them.
• They call you names that they feel are your weak points. IE. You hate liars, so they call you a liar. If you make a list of what these things maybe, you can just email them in advance to save them the trouble. It's the polite thing to do.
• They tell you the ENTIRE relationship was miserable and they were never happy. Humm. That’s funny. Does that make you a masochist or someone with attachment issues?
• They tell you sexually, you just weren't "it" although half the time they couldn't keep their hands off of you. Occasionally, you may have even hoped for "it" to over or it went so fast that it wasn’t necessary.
• They give you a list of what they did for you. I bought you roses and dinner on Valentine's Day! "I bought your mom a Christmas gift!" "I let you sleep over!" "I bought you a gift for your birthday!" Sorry I didn’t know we were keeping tabs and receipts. How much does tolerance, patience, and pretending meaningless stories were fascinating costs per hour? hummm. Anybody know? Petty POS. Send them your accountant's contact. Maybe some of those are eligible deductions.
• They threaten to keep or give away certain things that you want back. Again petty POS. this is because they want you to beg. They want to know that they have the power to make you suffer. My remedy? I prefer not to say. It might be held against me in a court of law. lol. In all seriousness, this is because holding on to that THING is like holding on to you. If I can't stand someone, why the hell would I hold on to something that is theirs?? Side note: did I tell you my dog is a BLACK, FEMALE, FRENCH bulldog with a sassy attitude? :-) Miss her.
• They talk crap about your possibilities of finding anyone else or just bad mouth your current. The smile on your face should say it all. It should say everything. Haven't seen that smile in a while, have ya?
• They accuse you of take their stuff or money. Most of the time, they are hiding the crap themselves. It’s all part of keeping the fire burning and the control. They set up the scenario, play victim, and then accuse only to laugh at you in their mind as you fall for the trap. Be aware and remember the 1st point in this list. They'll have someone to back them up or defend them so you may have more than 1 person to handle.
• They try to make you jealous with someone else. This is an easy one. 9 of 10 cases of people I know report that the "replacement" never lasts. Why? Because the intention was never to keep them. The intention is to use them in the beginning to show you they moved on, they are happy, they can have someone else..blah blah ...and ..they are having..ah oh..sex (hand on mouth) with someone else. If your ex is anything like mine, you've already gotten over the latter early on and you are actually glad someone else is dealing with the stupper. They make their newbie initially as visible and obvious as they can. Pay no mind, handle yours then their pawn no longer serves its purpose...next thing you know..poof..they are downgraded to a side order on call. My thoughts: if you are going to make me jealous (if I even care enough), you better BRING IT. I better look at your arm candy and say DAMN, touché, Pauldine - you've been served! Do that (if you can break my confidence), I will politely put my head down, tail between the legs, hate you in my murmur, then envy the living crap out of that person. Otherwise, keep on compiling and accumulating hoping they will all add up. Sista talk - I ain't purrfeck. I ainn't no Naomi but yo boo make me feel lik I am. Thank you for the extra boost.
• When all fails, they say they need you for something. They trust you and like you as a person again. Please. They trust you now, they trusted you before, and they'll trust you always. They will and always will like you. It has nothing to do with it! You’ll just never hear that come out of their mouth to you or others because it NEGATES ALL OF THE ABOVE. The reality is the person, whether they left you or you left them, NEED to feel they can still affect you. They need you to make them feel good, strong, powerful....so....what does that say again about the prance-around gimmick in the previous bullet point. Tell the accessory: Damn it! Do your job better so they stop hounding! Make them happy so this transition can be smooth and happy of all 3 (or 4, 5, 6 whatever) of us. It can be win - win!!! NOTE: the need for them to feel powerful and in control also may come from the fact that in their silence, they actually feel weak and bored. You are the easiest target. Don't worry, eventually they start playing the same game with the "frosting".
• My fav?? They try to make you desire them. Maybe opening the door with a towel. Maybe brushing past your arms or leg. Maybe randomly saying sweet nothings. Don't fall for this. Whether you give in or not, they go back to crazy. Lets the "page fold" take care of this. It’s their job anyway, no longer yours.

So going back to silence....

Lama Yashe, author of The Peaceful Stillness of the Silent Mind, writes "at certain times, a silent mind is very important, but silent does not mean closed. The silent mind is an alert, awakened mind; a mind seeking the nature of reality."

The silence in your ex's mind wakes them up to the reality that you truly desire to set yourself free and no longer will act as a crutch to their limp. It’s the anger that they can't have you on strings and have everything else at the same time. It’s the realization............that no matter what they say or how they act...........they actually.............want and need you. You have VALUE or else they would cut all strings and disappear. This is why they push you away but keep you within visible distance or reach. Remember! They invested time in you too!!! So seeing their efforts, comfort zone, the reliable sidekick, and the do-buddy walk away without leaving back any "perks" is a the BOOM in their silence.

Acknowledgment is a form of flattery. Cold disregard and laughter is best remedy. (I wrote that)

Focus on your silence and make your desire to be happy...... your BOOM.

:-)

NOTE: This is dedicated to my new lil lil lil"sis", my big mamma "sis", my techie - Thank you for the personal stories and inspiration. To my Bling BOOMer - love the way you make me feel - acknowledged and important in your life. All of your actions, talk and contact (online and vocal) revolve around getting my attention and controlling me. I must be worth "toying" with. Love you for it. One day maybe we'll be friends but now I'll keep you in the only positive light left - as my BOOM.

Positive Poisoning - The Closure though Troubled Times

When people's relationships break off whether its in business, a fling, committed relationship or simply a friendship, the sentence I hear the most is "I need closure". I've had 2 different people from opposite sides of the world tell me about this burning desire this week...........closure. I had to really think about what this word is supposed to really mean...how this word is supposed to manifest.

In order to tackle the abstraction of this word, I first had to analyze my own past experiences. My recent relationship's breakup, as people have told me, should have taken at least a year to get over. Three years, I "gave" myself to someone whom I ended up nursing until I ran dry. I didn't want to fail so I kept on but in the end the person I thought I loved was no longer. SPLIT! Right before the holidays in 2010. As anyone would be in a major life adjustment, I was destroyed...couldn't sleep, cried for a week, started smoking again, and had enough anger in me to set everything around me on fire just by looking at it. It took me a month and a half to get over it. Why was it so fast? I'm assuming because :A) this wasn't my heart's first disappointment. As I'm no "spring chicken", these things get easier (or at least they should) . B) My ex made it easy. How so? I'll give an analogy just so I don't completely expose the exact issues. Imagine trying out a new seafood restaurant and getting food poisoning the next day. Fever, hot flashes, and nausea lead you to see a doctor. Imagine the doctor telling you that everyone that has been to that restaurant has gotten the same illness. So? Do you miss the meal you had? Or accept that the consequences suck, and get better. THAT was my closure - I got sick and didn't want to go back to expose myself to that again. PERIOD. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the meal and had high hopes of making that MY seafood joint but it didn't work out as planned. That type of rationalization is something that comes with time and experience. I'm not that old, or wise, but the ex before the last probably help take the edge off of any other future break ups whether in love or friendship. I was younger, a hopeless romantic, and un-jaded. I learned...the hard way. Most importantly, I learned to love myself over anything else. Sure, I miss the "innocence" of my idealistic desires but I learned jumping into relationships both feet forward and blind may lead to injury so I keep an open eye and deep down I meditate. Ommmmm. Repeat. "I got over the last one and always did better...I WILL do it again". Ommmmm. "Why be miserable when someone else sleeps peacefully in their ignorant bliss?". Ommmmm. "I love myself, what I stand for, and the intrinsic value I offer to another enough to give someone else the time and opportunity to discover it". English Writer, John Heyward said "If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy however adverse your circumstances seem to be". Summary? Your strength and inner power gets stronger as time passes and you go through life's crappy moments... BECAUSE YOUR ABILITY TO RECOVER BETTER IS DUE TO AN ACCUMULATION OF WHAT IS LEARNED IN RETROSPECT FROM THE CRAP.

Let's test this out. Clear your mind. Think of the last time, someone you trusted disappointed you. It can be a best friend, a family member, a lover, a spouse, a pet, a emploer...whatever. This about how low that person made you feel. Think about the anger, rage, need for revenge, need to discuss, the tears, the bad words exchanged...whatever you were feeling at the time. Thinking about it?

What was your "closure" ? What helped you feel better? What helped you accept and move on with your life? No matter what your answer was from keying their car, blocking them on Facebook, ripping pictures, trying to be friends, bad mouthing the person everywhere, basking in their failures, to talking things through....because you DID something about it, right? Nope. What you did was self satisfy a desire for acknowledgment and recognition whether positive or negative. What helped the agitation pass is ...........................yes, time...........but also, we WANT to live TO SEE time pass. Those that don't are hospitalized in a rehab centers, fighting addictions, and pondering selfish suicidal thoughts. It is the fact that you are now living in the future tense of these situations and are looking at it in retrospect, in hind sight. You thought I was going to say that time heals all wounds, right? Wrong! We begin to HEAL the moment we CHOOSE to. Its a re-prioritization in focus. Its a TEST to our ability to SURVIVE. Its the CHARACTER that your reflection in the mirror SHOULD reflect. Do you see it? Will you see it? DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?

Martha Washington, 1st US president George Washington's wife: "I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness OR misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances".

Going back to the seafood analogy. If you were in my situation, would you never eat seafood anywhere again? Of course not, especially if you love seafood as much as I do. You can't avoid something you like, something you desire, something that may be accessible to you just because you are afraid that you'll get sick again. Not every seafood restaurant wants to disappoint its clients or has negligent standards of quality. The difference is the next time, if something smells or looks off, you'll be more careful. If people you trust tell you to avoid the place, you have a CHOICE to do so. This is called taking a calculated risk still bearing in mind that we may still be disappointed in one way or another. "A man's errors are his portals of discovery", the great James Joyce noted. This works both ways - the hurt and the hurtor - so everyone eventually gets it but you need to focus on when you do. "Discovery" happens at various paces and, I believe, it depends on how ready we are to ACCEPT THAT WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY; TO LIVE!!! Another lover, a new friend, shopping, gossiping, work, alcohol, cigarettes, psychiatrist, drugs.....nothing......can do this for us BUT US. All the aforementioned are, are temporary/immediate solutions to preoccupy our attention while we avoid reality. You, Us, We, I, He, She, They......however you reference the "hurt".....is sub-consciously postponing the "discovery", the "experience", the wisdom for a more empowered continuance of our life.

Final words....I will let Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking, tell you : "One of the greatest moments in anybody's developing experiences is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is".

PS...Today is officially 1 week without a cigarette. I CHOSE not to poison my lungs and shorten my life while another could breathe freely. Every puff was a reminder of how damaged I had allowed myself to be; how "affected" I was. I am no longer...case closed...next.

:-)