Silence of the BOOM - The EX factor

Within the last week alone, I have had 3 different people I know talk about an ex that is harassing them. THREE PEOPLE in 1 week! I too was dealing with the same issue today hence the inspiration for a new blog post.

Scenario:
There is a break - up. Things like this happen all of the time. We tighten our belts and do our best to suck it up. We go through our emotional rollercoaster, ride ends, our head stops spinning then we move forward and carefully choose our next ride (if we can still hold our lunch from the last one). The time frame for this is subjective. In my own case 5 weeks. You meet someone new. Whether its love or what I like to call, a "bookmark", it works (see my post - "It is what it is"). We feel good, appreciated, comforted, and entertained. Maybe from there we DO find someone else to our surprise or luck. Maybe it’s certain life choices that motivate us to move forward positively and optimistically. Either way, we've CHOSEN to be happy (see post: Positive Poisoning). Then it happens.....the ex comes back for the kill. Between texts, emails, and calls, it’s a bunch of threats, name calling, personal attacks, and angry venting. WTF?

I spent my ME time, gym time, thinking about this. Why is it that when WE stop sulking and progress that the ex positions him/herself for a character assassination?? Is it coincidental? Is it a carefully planned assault? My guess: it’s the disturbing silence.

Let's go back to the rollercoaster analogy. You know that slow climb to the top? The climb that you know will be a gut wrenching drop? Have you ever noticed, even with noise, there is a silence? You can see darkness or the bright sky but it’s nothing...a blank canvas...plus you and your thoughts. That moment can be scarier than the drop itself. THIS is what happens in your ex's mind when the hunt begins. THAT's what happens in YOUR mind when you have that uncontrollable urge to tell them swim in a pool of glass then wash off with alcohol. It’s that BOOM that occurs after the silence. But this post is not about you, it’s about them.

Breaks CAN be fairly easy...breakup, tear, pain, hate, anger, friends, family, the new one, the new thing, time passes, moving on, give me my shit back, you are off my Facebook, maybe we can be friends "later", officially moved on. Pretty simple, right? The only hard part is the time it takes BUT deep down we know months/year(s) from now, it won't be that bad in retrospect. We've gone through this already. but....BUT...there is that one person you come across in your lifetime that won't let anything go even if THEY are the ones that wronged us. It’s like they are wondering "how come after what I did, they are smiling again"? "Are they mocking me with their peace"? "Let me test to see if there is still something there for me to f$%k with". All these questions happen; you guessed it, during the silence. It’s purely an attempt to boost their ego at your expense. It’s for them to feel that they can control and manipulate you at their convenience - help them out of their silence. Think about it...if they were REALLY happy and REALLY busy, they wouldn't have time to create problems and instigate. On the contrary, they would do everything humanly possible to nurture the silence and slither around you to their hole unnoticed. But instead, they:

• Create false and exaggerated stories about you to make other "take their side" and play drums in their Hate You band. I pity the one-sided souls that believe them.
• They claim you are harassing them. They contact you telling you to leave them alone and to move on. Just writing this line made me laugh.
• They try to make your friends and loyals, THEIR friends and loyals. It’s a chess checkmate attempt. They figure the more of your "pieces" they have, the less moves you can make. This is a big favor. They can help you weed out the bad people in your life. It’s like they are taking the trash out for you. But...why would you want my trash???? Anyway...What about the good ones? They'll let you know what’s up, try not to fall for tricks and keep things right with you so don't worry about them.
• They call you names that they feel are your weak points. IE. You hate liars, so they call you a liar. If you make a list of what these things maybe, you can just email them in advance to save them the trouble. It's the polite thing to do.
• They tell you the ENTIRE relationship was miserable and they were never happy. Humm. That’s funny. Does that make you a masochist or someone with attachment issues?
• They tell you sexually, you just weren't "it" although half the time they couldn't keep their hands off of you. Occasionally, you may have even hoped for "it" to over or it went so fast that it wasn’t necessary.
• They give you a list of what they did for you. I bought you roses and dinner on Valentine's Day! "I bought your mom a Christmas gift!" "I let you sleep over!" "I bought you a gift for your birthday!" Sorry I didn’t know we were keeping tabs and receipts. How much does tolerance, patience, and pretending meaningless stories were fascinating costs per hour? hummm. Anybody know? Petty POS. Send them your accountant's contact. Maybe some of those are eligible deductions.
• They threaten to keep or give away certain things that you want back. Again petty POS. this is because they want you to beg. They want to know that they have the power to make you suffer. My remedy? I prefer not to say. It might be held against me in a court of law. lol. In all seriousness, this is because holding on to that THING is like holding on to you. If I can't stand someone, why the hell would I hold on to something that is theirs?? Side note: did I tell you my dog is a BLACK, FEMALE, FRENCH bulldog with a sassy attitude? :-) Miss her.
• They talk crap about your possibilities of finding anyone else or just bad mouth your current. The smile on your face should say it all. It should say everything. Haven't seen that smile in a while, have ya?
• They accuse you of take their stuff or money. Most of the time, they are hiding the crap themselves. It’s all part of keeping the fire burning and the control. They set up the scenario, play victim, and then accuse only to laugh at you in their mind as you fall for the trap. Be aware and remember the 1st point in this list. They'll have someone to back them up or defend them so you may have more than 1 person to handle.
• They try to make you jealous with someone else. This is an easy one. 9 of 10 cases of people I know report that the "replacement" never lasts. Why? Because the intention was never to keep them. The intention is to use them in the beginning to show you they moved on, they are happy, they can have someone else..blah blah ...and ..they are having..ah oh..sex (hand on mouth) with someone else. If your ex is anything like mine, you've already gotten over the latter early on and you are actually glad someone else is dealing with the stupper. They make their newbie initially as visible and obvious as they can. Pay no mind, handle yours then their pawn no longer serves its purpose...next thing you know..poof..they are downgraded to a side order on call. My thoughts: if you are going to make me jealous (if I even care enough), you better BRING IT. I better look at your arm candy and say DAMN, touché, Pauldine - you've been served! Do that (if you can break my confidence), I will politely put my head down, tail between the legs, hate you in my murmur, then envy the living crap out of that person. Otherwise, keep on compiling and accumulating hoping they will all add up. Sista talk - I ain't purrfeck. I ainn't no Naomi but yo boo make me feel lik I am. Thank you for the extra boost.
• When all fails, they say they need you for something. They trust you and like you as a person again. Please. They trust you now, they trusted you before, and they'll trust you always. They will and always will like you. It has nothing to do with it! You’ll just never hear that come out of their mouth to you or others because it NEGATES ALL OF THE ABOVE. The reality is the person, whether they left you or you left them, NEED to feel they can still affect you. They need you to make them feel good, strong, powerful....so....what does that say again about the prance-around gimmick in the previous bullet point. Tell the accessory: Damn it! Do your job better so they stop hounding! Make them happy so this transition can be smooth and happy of all 3 (or 4, 5, 6 whatever) of us. It can be win - win!!! NOTE: the need for them to feel powerful and in control also may come from the fact that in their silence, they actually feel weak and bored. You are the easiest target. Don't worry, eventually they start playing the same game with the "frosting".
• My fav?? They try to make you desire them. Maybe opening the door with a towel. Maybe brushing past your arms or leg. Maybe randomly saying sweet nothings. Don't fall for this. Whether you give in or not, they go back to crazy. Lets the "page fold" take care of this. It’s their job anyway, no longer yours.

So going back to silence....

Lama Yashe, author of The Peaceful Stillness of the Silent Mind, writes "at certain times, a silent mind is very important, but silent does not mean closed. The silent mind is an alert, awakened mind; a mind seeking the nature of reality."

The silence in your ex's mind wakes them up to the reality that you truly desire to set yourself free and no longer will act as a crutch to their limp. It’s the anger that they can't have you on strings and have everything else at the same time. It’s the realization............that no matter what they say or how they act...........they actually.............want and need you. You have VALUE or else they would cut all strings and disappear. This is why they push you away but keep you within visible distance or reach. Remember! They invested time in you too!!! So seeing their efforts, comfort zone, the reliable sidekick, and the do-buddy walk away without leaving back any "perks" is a the BOOM in their silence.

Acknowledgment is a form of flattery. Cold disregard and laughter is best remedy. (I wrote that)

Focus on your silence and make your desire to be happy...... your BOOM.

:-)

NOTE: This is dedicated to my new lil lil lil"sis", my big mamma "sis", my techie - Thank you for the personal stories and inspiration. To my Bling BOOMer - love the way you make me feel - acknowledged and important in your life. All of your actions, talk and contact (online and vocal) revolve around getting my attention and controlling me. I must be worth "toying" with. Love you for it. One day maybe we'll be friends but now I'll keep you in the only positive light left - as my BOOM.

Counting Petals - Is the feeling real?

Do they love me or love me not? Pluck, pull and watch a false sense of fortune-telling slowly fall to the ground.

SNAP OUT OF IT...

Forget psychics, your horoscope, and what the "others" say. They don't know much more than you do. Hell, you can even forget what I say (written)......but answering the first question should come from your gut. What's the gut? It's your instinct. That's little voice inside of you that says "this is good" and "watch out!" that we sometimes ignore to give into other "talking" parts. How do I know if its telling me the truth? You don't. That's the gamble in life, love, and human interactions in general. We have to take the leap, but a calculated one. Below, I've complied a general list based on several conversations I've had with both male and female friends (varying ages, sexual orientation, social status, race, religion) on how to tell if someone really likes you sincerely, or NOT. Since I, too, have a 50% chance of getting confused between my gut instincts and my hopes, I was happy to realize that no matter how much you think you know, there is always more to learn.

Consider below a list of modern day cues, challenged myths and harmless tests in the search for true feelings. They broken down into categories of "LIKES YOU", "NOT" and WOFT (Watch Out For Thorns). Specific exceptions may follow some of these points indicated by "BUT" (couldn't think of any floral references for this word). As you read, you'll get it. I'm sure the A.D.D is kicking in already...

DISCLAIMER: a) This list in non-exclusive. There are several other thoughts, suggestions and tips I didn't include so don't write me telling me "you forgot to say blah blah". I'm not writing a novel here. b) Just because this list clarifies your questions doesn't mean that they aren't subject to change. Love/Like are emotions and emotions are constantly evolving. Only apply these points, to your situation as it stands now, immediate future or in recent past.

1. Meeting the parents. WOFT. First of all if they live at home, then you kindda have to meet their parents anyway so that negates any voluntary intention. Back in the days, meeting parents were the ultimate approval step. Now? I've heard of parents having breakfast with a 1 night stand. Observe to see if they may have one of those "modern" families where they know about everything and everyone because they have an open-minded mentally. If they say, "Hope you stick around long"...then run.
2. Meeting the best friends. WOFT. This means nothing. Their friends may be the sweetest and coolest people but they may just actually be just that...cool. Their interest is their friend's best interest. If their friend's interest is you on a temporary basis, they'll be cool with it. Don't just start exchanging numbers off the bat and trying too hard to make them like you. BUT if all of their friends are coupled up every time you hang out, this may mean something different. Let your gut tell you if they're just using you to not feel left out though.
3. Friend in Need. LIKES YOU. They are and want to be there for you even when you don't ask for help...not in a "I have nothing better to do" or "I need a hobby" way. They just want to contribute to making things within their capacity, easier for you, without anything in return. For example, you've been working long hours and didn't have time to get food earlier (but you can now), but they still make you dinner or get some for you. Another example, you are stuck at an appointment and need to get stamps before the post office closes. Without needing to ask, they volunteer to get you some and drop them off at your place after work. BUT if they ask you to get naked after helping, every time, or now have a list of favors to ask you all of the time...beware.
4. Overly Jealous. NOT. Most people would say that the jealousy is the sign of someone that just can't bare the thought of losing them. This is not true. Overly jealous people are insecure, possessive, control-freaks, and extremely attention hungry. Someone can not care about you at all and still be jealous! That's because they feel you are their bone (canine analogy) until they are done with you...and EVEN THEN can still want claim on you. There are people who date several people at once and still want each persons' undivided loyalty! Remember, this is a character flaw and most likely will never change so you have to figure out if this is something you can handle giving your personality, lifestyle and habits. BUT, if the jealousy is subtle, quiet, passive and infrequent, then this is a good sign. A little rational jealousy is good. Keeps the other person on their toes and can be an indication that they demand a standard of respect in the relationship. This is very healthy so be understanding.
5. Staring. LIKES YOU. You catch them staring at you once in a while with a subtle smile on their face while you are speaking to others. You are being admired. Relish it. This person finds the simple things you do, your sweat after the gym, and messy hair in the morning - refreshing. This is nice. BUT don't confuse the "wow I'm impressed" stare with the dead on "if we were alone, I would put you in pain for days" stare. The latter can be good idea (not to mention needed once in a while), but good doesn't mean sincere feelings. It may just mean the sexual chemistry is explosive and the true feeling is but a lit match.
   
6. You are better than the ex. I say NOT! Someone that keeps comparing you to their ex is someone that has baggage. Yes, they can reference the ex as a base for comparison from a fresh break up, occasionally. But there are the people, that still have ex's pics everywhere (phone, online, home, etc), complains about them, find excuses to talk about them all of the time, and tells you how much better you are........move on. They need a therapist. BUT if his closest friend or parents mention it once, that's a huge plus. You ARE doing something good. Pat yourself on the back and continue the good work.
7. Extended Cuddling and Sniffing. LIKES YOU. After sex and its still relatively early, they want to pull you closer and hold you all night. They hear/feel them smelling your hair and neck. They just want you close because it makes them feel good. They feel comfortable. This may even occur even when sex isn't involved like at the movies, on a walk through the mall, or at a family barbecue. Don't act like a jerk and coy by asking why they are doing that. You know why. Just let them do it subtly.
8. Relatively Expensive, Hard to Get, or highly Creative Gifts. WOFT. If you are getting what you consider very expensive gifts (what most likely you can't get for yourself usually)...this can go either way. Some people learned growing up and/or believe that respect and loyalty are bought. Those people also believe that everyone has a price. The only good news here is you find out what they think yours is (this may boost confidence or hurt a lot). Examples, multi-millionaire buys you a pair of shoes and a few trinkets....you are priced low. Hotel manager buys tickets to the sold out golf tournaments that you've been dying to go to by combing the internet for weeks...you are priced high. Recent college graduate surprises you by buying oils to give you a personal "spa" afternoon and makes their specialty that takes 2 hours to make.......priced very high. Everything is relative. It depends on person, what the gift is and MORE IMPORTANTLY what thought went into the gift, whether $5 at McDonalds because they know you are hungry LOVE the burgers and fries OR a stunning diamond watch just because it would look great on you. Someone that likes you for real wants it to be just perfect. Its your happiness they want, not just an easy way to brownie points or to boost their own egos.
9. Anytime, Anyplace. LIKES YOU. Example, you are at the hottest party of the year, start to feel tired and say let's go, they just say "ok" or finish their drink , start gathering their things, and initiate their goodbyes. They don't say " not yet..I can't leave my friends"; or "I'm going to the bathroom" then disappear to chat and leave you waiting around; or " You are a party pooper"; or "Have one more drink". If they want a little bit more time, they ask nicely for a reasonable extension like 20 minutes. This person enjoys being where ever you are. Its also great if most of the event, the person was next or within visible proximity to you...not because you asked, they have no friends or they think you'll get jealous. They do it because this is where they CHOOSE to be, PREFER to be. Other example, they may love their every Friday night spot, but you suggest movies and a pizza instead? They are down. A better sign is when they don't need to you invite your friends or theirs all of the time. You should be enough sometimes. BUT remember, everyone needs their personal space and time to be with their closest friends without you. Also beware of the person that ALWAYS wants to be alone with you, meet you at your/their place most of the time, or in "off the beaten path" places that aren't their usual spots. They may be trying to keep your "thing" under wraps for some reason...hummm.
10. They told you so. NOT. This has not, is not and never will be an indicator of whether the person really likes you or not. They might be a good player, or bad at breaking heart,s or they really like you. Who knows?! The only way it may means something more is if the statement is unsolicited, the tone, eye contact, the moment and other factors all play well with each other. This one really requires your gut!!! Always remember.......words don't create as strong memories as actual actions do. No matter what the person says, make sure it matches the little and big things they do combined with enough time to allow these actions to repeat themselves. ALL people behave in patterns. Just like players that pretend to be "good", eventually let their true self out ; the person that is truly sincere will show this over and over again - with you, with others. Observe. Words to live by told by my mother: "You can change someones habits but not character". "A person's past and present, gives hints to their future". Don't let wishful thinking or the beautiful sounds of a 3 word phrase, knock out your senses. BUT Closed mouths don't get fed...just ask if you are ready. listen and watch.

:-)

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