Hate "Love"? The Terror of Understanding

 Rant from an inquiring mind: Hate "love"?
(It's a long read.... But I know I have some awesome readers here)

Why is hate so easily understood and spread but love mystifies. It takes the same passion and energy to do both. Maybe the word love makes people feel weak and vulnerable. Even in personal relationships, one person always wants the upper hand by showing less love or committing less to avoid it. 🤔

What if to not scare control-preferring people, for now....and use the words "hate" and "understand"?  Let's scale back "love". I will give it a try.

I don't hate all white people or Christians because of several mass shootings this year alone (won't even go back to history) was done by a Racist Christian. I understand that not all whites like country music, have sex with cousins, like bland food, want guns and prefer women with no booty.

I'm not going to hate all Muslims (or think all Muslims are sexually confused)  because 1 self hating psychopath shoots up a night club. I understand and also know they aren't all wife beating, hate preaching, anti-Christians that like explosives.  

I'm not going to call all Mexicans criminals because of the drug lord and his goons. I also won't be a hypocrite while I plan trips to Tulum, party on Cinco de Mayo, eat tacos, put salsa on the fridge, hire them for construction work, and forget the wealthiest man in the world is Mexican from legit business. I also won't forget that a percentage of Trump's clothing line is made there.

Not all Hispanics dance and watch Telenovelas all day.
Not all Italians know how to make pizza.
Not all Jews are great at accounting.
Not all Asians are good at math or do martial arts.
Not all Africans live in huts.
Not all Indians own conveniences stores and are vegetarians
Not all gays are men. The gay males don't all dress like women. They aren't all in theater or fashion.


Silly isn't it? Why? Because we are more to open them which makes us understand them better.  We also understand, for example, just because some of the best pizzas are made by Italians and it comes from Italy, doesn't mean they all know how to make it or that any pizza-making Italian can make it well. Right?

Math teachers - correct me if I'm wrong. The above is called an if-then proposition in rational/math studies. Example:  If chickens lays eggs and are birds. Frogs lay eggs. Frogs are birds. That's called "affirming the consequent" which is a FALLACY in LOGIC. To make general assumptions leading to conclusion without acknowledging variables that make them different? Tends to lead to ILLOGICAL / IRRATIONAL conclusions.

I don't want all whites to hate me because of what some low life gang member in Compton says or does against whites and police. Thank you to those that understand.

So for those who like to lump people in one large basket........... I'm NOT a/an:

Ignorant, lazy, classless, cat eating, voodoo priestess, AIDS ridden, promiscuous, pregnant teen, loud music blasting, baby pushing, anti-white, police hating, food stamp using, kool aid drinking, gold teeth wearing, gun carrying, refugee, illiterate, over-sensitive, fatherless angry-black-female with a pre-disposition to violence and begging for hand outs.

Open yourself to making a Muslim, Mexican, Jewish and Black friend as you've done with me. It may shock you that you understand more.

For those that judge people by their names...yes... My name isn't Mary Joe, Suzy Lynn, Becky, Jane or Kathy. But just like you may realize Pauldine may show some understanding ....I am an average human. Average Humans stand erect, breath oxygen with lungs on earth, eat cooked food,  have a heart, feelings, a brain, can think, can rationalize, can read/write/speak, want to be treated with understanding. You are an average human . Jose, Dashaun, and Saud Mohammed have exact same qualities of an average human. Is it possible that Jose, Dashaun and Saud are average humans like you and me? What is the logical answer?

Can't shout "one love" yet? Then, start by understanding ONE.

The Love Boat - Sea my Valentine

People that know me well know that I am not big on holidays. One of my least favorite is Valentine's Day. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a romantic. Body massages, foot rubs, cute text messages, cuddling, etc...I am into that. My issue with this holiday because it is yet another unquestioned Catholic "saintly" dedication day turned into a big boost-the-economy-while-making-people-feel-good-about-it day, on which people feel they need to put on a show. What's on the channel today? The Love Boat.

When I was young, I remembered watching re-runs of the Love Boat. Being so young, I didn't really know what the name of the show was supposed to mean. It was a show where the characters set sail to the wide open seas; the people were funny, friendly and gave their passengers a trip they wouldn't forget. As I got older, shows like that faded and the trend became about the "real" people. Let's remove ourselves from modern society's often too real drama and drift a little.

Board the Love Boat with me. Let's set sail to island hoping in French Polynesia to Bora Bora, Tahiti and Marquesas Islands. What makes this even better is the person we have a romantic relationship with (spouse, life partner..) is taking part of this journey. Some people may take the entire trip and other will get off on the next island and fly back home. Either way, everyone intends to make the journey and the investment it took to be board. Let's call this love (like a lot, infatuation..whatever you are more comfortable with). Now just cruise....lay back and enjoy. Some parts are bumpy and there may be some rain but you are not alone.

Upon boarding this trip, the activities director handed both of you a package. It had your room keys, plan of the ship, the itinerary of the trip, and finally a schedule of events in which you are highly recommended to attend to maximize your trip. The latter has Valentine's Day on it as your 10 a.m. Cupid brunch extravaganza - your vouchers with seat assignments included. Catch my drift? (pardon the pun). My problem with this is that you've basically invested hard-earned value to be told that at a certain time, a certain place, you should be somewhere and doing something specific. You've been given an agenda on a journey. I don't know about you but when I invest in something I hold as valuable, I want to enjoy by free will. Now when two people have invested in each other, they should be able to either coordinate such efforts by inspiration throughout their journey or just on a whim..why? Just because. Some people prefer not having to think their way through things and letting the schedule of events coast them their their vacation - a passive existence.



I equate flowers, chocolate, champagne, lingerie, f-me heels, dinner, and cards in various shades of pinks/reds/whites to the agenda on a cruise and even, the script of the Love Boat. Its the same thing that runs on a timer with certain expectations. Its a temporary situation to awaken our senses to a reality that is primarily one-sided. Us, women are the bulk of anticipated viewers. "Happy Valentine's Day", "Be my Valentine", and "I love you", the words so many wait to hear specifically today. The show is on.

By now, you are saying.. wow.."this chick is one hell of a damaged piece of work"...or.."why did she call herself a romantic again"". Understandably so because my thoughts and beliefs were not inspired by Hallmark cards. To go back to the boat/cruise analogy, I will explain what I do believe is real - the sea.

Call it an island girl thing or whatever but I love the sea. In the analogy of this post it symbolizes what love is supposed to be - a mystery, strength, calm, power, in motion and always present whether you are there to see it or not. Whether with someone or not, it exists in pictures, postcards, billboards, tv shows, etc. Whether you dip you feet in it, or dive to the deepest parts you can go, it is an experience. THIS is why I loved to watch Love Boat (and Gilligan's Islands). Now as an adult, I know it takes a consorted effort between human and nature (or fate) for a successful trip to happen, not an agenda inside a cruise ship. You are missing all of the action because they words on paper and the promises give more immediate satisfaction. I just prefer action...the power the verb over the noun.

On this day, do the extras. I'm not saying you shouldn't but on who-the-heck-is-Saint Valentine's Day, also remember that the ride shouldn't be extra special because you are given a plan. It is extra special because it is yet another day in your lives together..or if you are single, another day you recollect memories and look forward towards dipping your feet in the waters again.

Counting Petals - Is the feeling real?

Do they love me or love me not? Pluck, pull and watch a false sense of fortune-telling slowly fall to the ground.

SNAP OUT OF IT...

Forget psychics, your horoscope, and what the "others" say. They don't know much more than you do. Hell, you can even forget what I say (written)......but answering the first question should come from your gut. What's the gut? It's your instinct. That's little voice inside of you that says "this is good" and "watch out!" that we sometimes ignore to give into other "talking" parts. How do I know if its telling me the truth? You don't. That's the gamble in life, love, and human interactions in general. We have to take the leap, but a calculated one. Below, I've complied a general list based on several conversations I've had with both male and female friends (varying ages, sexual orientation, social status, race, religion) on how to tell if someone really likes you sincerely, or NOT. Since I, too, have a 50% chance of getting confused between my gut instincts and my hopes, I was happy to realize that no matter how much you think you know, there is always more to learn.

Consider below a list of modern day cues, challenged myths and harmless tests in the search for true feelings. They broken down into categories of "LIKES YOU", "NOT" and WOFT (Watch Out For Thorns). Specific exceptions may follow some of these points indicated by "BUT" (couldn't think of any floral references for this word). As you read, you'll get it. I'm sure the A.D.D is kicking in already...

DISCLAIMER: a) This list in non-exclusive. There are several other thoughts, suggestions and tips I didn't include so don't write me telling me "you forgot to say blah blah". I'm not writing a novel here. b) Just because this list clarifies your questions doesn't mean that they aren't subject to change. Love/Like are emotions and emotions are constantly evolving. Only apply these points, to your situation as it stands now, immediate future or in recent past.

1. Meeting the parents. WOFT. First of all if they live at home, then you kindda have to meet their parents anyway so that negates any voluntary intention. Back in the days, meeting parents were the ultimate approval step. Now? I've heard of parents having breakfast with a 1 night stand. Observe to see if they may have one of those "modern" families where they know about everything and everyone because they have an open-minded mentally. If they say, "Hope you stick around long"...then run.
2. Meeting the best friends. WOFT. This means nothing. Their friends may be the sweetest and coolest people but they may just actually be just that...cool. Their interest is their friend's best interest. If their friend's interest is you on a temporary basis, they'll be cool with it. Don't just start exchanging numbers off the bat and trying too hard to make them like you. BUT if all of their friends are coupled up every time you hang out, this may mean something different. Let your gut tell you if they're just using you to not feel left out though.
3. Friend in Need. LIKES YOU. They are and want to be there for you even when you don't ask for help...not in a "I have nothing better to do" or "I need a hobby" way. They just want to contribute to making things within their capacity, easier for you, without anything in return. For example, you've been working long hours and didn't have time to get food earlier (but you can now), but they still make you dinner or get some for you. Another example, you are stuck at an appointment and need to get stamps before the post office closes. Without needing to ask, they volunteer to get you some and drop them off at your place after work. BUT if they ask you to get naked after helping, every time, or now have a list of favors to ask you all of the time...beware.
4. Overly Jealous. NOT. Most people would say that the jealousy is the sign of someone that just can't bare the thought of losing them. This is not true. Overly jealous people are insecure, possessive, control-freaks, and extremely attention hungry. Someone can not care about you at all and still be jealous! That's because they feel you are their bone (canine analogy) until they are done with you...and EVEN THEN can still want claim on you. There are people who date several people at once and still want each persons' undivided loyalty! Remember, this is a character flaw and most likely will never change so you have to figure out if this is something you can handle giving your personality, lifestyle and habits. BUT, if the jealousy is subtle, quiet, passive and infrequent, then this is a good sign. A little rational jealousy is good. Keeps the other person on their toes and can be an indication that they demand a standard of respect in the relationship. This is very healthy so be understanding.
5. Staring. LIKES YOU. You catch them staring at you once in a while with a subtle smile on their face while you are speaking to others. You are being admired. Relish it. This person finds the simple things you do, your sweat after the gym, and messy hair in the morning - refreshing. This is nice. BUT don't confuse the "wow I'm impressed" stare with the dead on "if we were alone, I would put you in pain for days" stare. The latter can be good idea (not to mention needed once in a while), but good doesn't mean sincere feelings. It may just mean the sexual chemistry is explosive and the true feeling is but a lit match.
   
6. You are better than the ex. I say NOT! Someone that keeps comparing you to their ex is someone that has baggage. Yes, they can reference the ex as a base for comparison from a fresh break up, occasionally. But there are the people, that still have ex's pics everywhere (phone, online, home, etc), complains about them, find excuses to talk about them all of the time, and tells you how much better you are........move on. They need a therapist. BUT if his closest friend or parents mention it once, that's a huge plus. You ARE doing something good. Pat yourself on the back and continue the good work.
7. Extended Cuddling and Sniffing. LIKES YOU. After sex and its still relatively early, they want to pull you closer and hold you all night. They hear/feel them smelling your hair and neck. They just want you close because it makes them feel good. They feel comfortable. This may even occur even when sex isn't involved like at the movies, on a walk through the mall, or at a family barbecue. Don't act like a jerk and coy by asking why they are doing that. You know why. Just let them do it subtly.
8. Relatively Expensive, Hard to Get, or highly Creative Gifts. WOFT. If you are getting what you consider very expensive gifts (what most likely you can't get for yourself usually)...this can go either way. Some people learned growing up and/or believe that respect and loyalty are bought. Those people also believe that everyone has a price. The only good news here is you find out what they think yours is (this may boost confidence or hurt a lot). Examples, multi-millionaire buys you a pair of shoes and a few trinkets....you are priced low. Hotel manager buys tickets to the sold out golf tournaments that you've been dying to go to by combing the internet for weeks...you are priced high. Recent college graduate surprises you by buying oils to give you a personal "spa" afternoon and makes their specialty that takes 2 hours to make.......priced very high. Everything is relative. It depends on person, what the gift is and MORE IMPORTANTLY what thought went into the gift, whether $5 at McDonalds because they know you are hungry LOVE the burgers and fries OR a stunning diamond watch just because it would look great on you. Someone that likes you for real wants it to be just perfect. Its your happiness they want, not just an easy way to brownie points or to boost their own egos.
9. Anytime, Anyplace. LIKES YOU. Example, you are at the hottest party of the year, start to feel tired and say let's go, they just say "ok" or finish their drink , start gathering their things, and initiate their goodbyes. They don't say " not yet..I can't leave my friends"; or "I'm going to the bathroom" then disappear to chat and leave you waiting around; or " You are a party pooper"; or "Have one more drink". If they want a little bit more time, they ask nicely for a reasonable extension like 20 minutes. This person enjoys being where ever you are. Its also great if most of the event, the person was next or within visible proximity to you...not because you asked, they have no friends or they think you'll get jealous. They do it because this is where they CHOOSE to be, PREFER to be. Other example, they may love their every Friday night spot, but you suggest movies and a pizza instead? They are down. A better sign is when they don't need to you invite your friends or theirs all of the time. You should be enough sometimes. BUT remember, everyone needs their personal space and time to be with their closest friends without you. Also beware of the person that ALWAYS wants to be alone with you, meet you at your/their place most of the time, or in "off the beaten path" places that aren't their usual spots. They may be trying to keep your "thing" under wraps for some reason...hummm.
10. They told you so. NOT. This has not, is not and never will be an indicator of whether the person really likes you or not. They might be a good player, or bad at breaking heart,s or they really like you. Who knows?! The only way it may means something more is if the statement is unsolicited, the tone, eye contact, the moment and other factors all play well with each other. This one really requires your gut!!! Always remember.......words don't create as strong memories as actual actions do. No matter what the person says, make sure it matches the little and big things they do combined with enough time to allow these actions to repeat themselves. ALL people behave in patterns. Just like players that pretend to be "good", eventually let their true self out ; the person that is truly sincere will show this over and over again - with you, with others. Observe. Words to live by told by my mother: "You can change someones habits but not character". "A person's past and present, gives hints to their future". Don't let wishful thinking or the beautiful sounds of a 3 word phrase, knock out your senses. BUT Closed mouths don't get fed...just ask if you are ready. listen and watch.

:-)

Follow me on Twitter twitter.com/Pauldine

Jack, Jill, and The Hill - Feeling connected (a poem)

Below is a poem that I wrote inspired by an actual story, but I romanticized it a little for some pizazz. This is Valentine's day around the corner giving me the fuzzy feeling. Besides, I felt the story was touching enough to challenge (improve) my writing ability. Note: As we get older, its A LOT harder to find words that rhyme.....
Inspired by "U".... ENJOY!

Jack and Jill

Like dots in the sky; two collide
A universe made suddenly so small
Jack and Jill accept to enter this ride
Acquaintances but the others eye brought thrall

Having what most others around lacked,
mystery stranger with magnetic smile
how life's luck, Jill met Jack
a sense of closeness, had not been felt in a while

Busy all day but still they made time
for this perfect stranger attraction
Hours spent, moments talking sublime.
On each other, focused, without any distraction

Jack and Jill had formulated a bond
something most have never felt.
A connection, a "click", a correspond,
anticipated daily, most of theirs needs mutually met

No matter in happiness or in sorrow,
priority, face time was key.
Knowing about yesterday, today, tomorrow,
They were each others true loyal devotee.

Jack saw needs more than this, done
desiring the next step for them.
A closer physical link to be one
or else locked in a box, fate would condemn

He picked up the phone, Jill would answer
"My sweetie's voice, he thought.
His news should enchant grace like a dancer
but this announcement only brought distraught

"I've dreamed of this day", Jill would tell
between us, a picture perfect love
But reality has had me dispel
your words delayed, a solution found thereof

Jill had grown up, mind aged from chatting
never uttered those words to Jack.
A hill, Seeing no change; not worth combating
Jill desiring a climb, Jack aware but ignored a lack

Issue is, Jack and Jill never in presense met,
pictorial perspectives; writing brought unity
Screen love like none real yet
comments and messages were months; hinted eternity

Maybe one day, miles will be a step
Jack and Jill to progress yet will remember
A journey they will have kept
password protected, fire not, but yet, still ember.

:-)

Embracing Air - why its hard to hold on

Marshall Berman's book, All That is Solid Melts in to Air , tackles the issue of the complexities and contradictions that occur within societies as they pursue Modernity. Modernity, a socio-philosophical approach in social theory, is described to be a "revolution" that began in the 19th century, initiated by a combination both writers such as Marx and Dostoevsky, and also, the boom in the steel industry and heavy industrialization. Berman believes that "modern day living", if time lined and analyzed through the 20th century, would prove that people are in constant "flux" (always chasing what they believe to be progress), in turn, create a chain of constant change that keeps people chasing. What does this mean? We never stay put. We are only satisfied for a moment until the next best thing comes. We become a slave to our own imaginations and ideals which keep growing. Our past shapes who we become, but we often get caught up in our moments hoping for a better future. Our imaginations and ideals gives us more to desire. Without this drive, we can't move forward as a progressive, advanced, creative, modern world. But...BUT , with it, CAN WE MOVE ON AS A CIVIL, SOCIAL, RATIONAL WORLD?

FACT:
Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook in 2004 and was an almost instant success.
Tom Anderson founded Myspace in 2003 and it became popular in 2006
Commercialization of the Internet was in 1990's
Motorola released the first commercially available mobile phone in 1983

All That is Solid Melts in Air by Marshall Berman was first released was in 1982..........Berman saw it coming. A modern day, Nostradamous in my opinion.

I always hear from my friends how it is so hard to find someone serious or to stay committed. Some people think its the city they live in. Some people think its education or family ties. Some others figure that all the good ones are taken. But with a boom in world population, increased ways for people to meet and stay in touch, rise in plastic surgery, endless new "it" things to buy, so many different stocks and products to invest our money in, etc........................why are so many eligible bachelor's and bachelorette's remain just that....eligible?

I've thought of this many times not just to give advice to others, but also for myself! I was speaking to a dear person to me via Skype from Istanbul. We found it so amazing that despite the distance, we know what going on with our lives and chat just with an "accept" button on the screen. All it costs us was our time, a computer and internet connection. Long gone are the days of waiting at home to get a call without being able to screen it and speak in our cars. I love it. I got my first cellphone in 1996 and was using walkie talkies in my hometown in Haiti since 1993. I was the first in my neighborhood to have a computer...my great Tandy with DOS. I can't live without direct access and without strings attached, literally! Now with my Blackberry, IPad, Laptop and Ipod , I feel I have the world at my fingertips whenever and where ever I want. Even when I'm alone, I have access to over 1800 people. I AM the modern person. If you are reading this now, so are you....So why are we sometimes so alone?

Going back to my earlier question, why are there so many people looking for love and forever but can't seem to hold on to anyone? My theory relates to what Berman addresses in his book but with a ting of post-Modernist idealism. He says " I believe communication and dialogue have taken on a new specific weight and urgency in modern times..... become both a desperate need and a primary source of delight. In a world where meanings melt into air, these experiences are among the few solid sources of meaning we can count on". WOW. He wrote this years before we knew what a BBM even was or Steve Jobs gave us Iphones. Point? We can't hold on to SOLID (grounded) relationships with SOLID (focused) people using SOLID (conventional) methods of interaction because people are too caught up constantly chasing what they feel maybe better, so they ignore possibilities that sit SOLIDly right in front of them....Hence why they disappear in the AIR.

With over 300 million profiles on Facebook, we have an endless number of choices, not to mention, an easy way of connecting with people without exposing ourselves completely. Its like getting to know someone through a smoke screen. We let our imagination make people we meet what we want them to be. We, in turn, tell them what we think they should know. We make our "face" as appealing as possible. We arrange to meet by text message. We tell them we are running late by bbm. We lay the cellphone on the table or in our pockets so we don't miss calls. THEN we are continue to interact based on a mirage. Is it a surprise that after a while, we discover that most of what we thought of the person was not true? Is it a surprise how fast people change their mind and how unexpected this changes always are? Its like living in a world of schizophrenics! Then we hate, allow ourselves to be emotional distraught over someone that PROVED they weren't worth it. We remain linked to their profiles, following their Tweets, and hoping for closure through one last acknowledgment , while pretending we are in control by posting pictures and comments of how "complete" we feel. We've lowered our self worth so much that we can't see disrespect (our prioritized place) and convince ourselves that we are progressing by hiding behind our work, our formal education, our dreams, our "connections" and our possessions. Mistresses think they are going to be the replacement (some led to believe so within reason), men feeling they can manipulate minds and hopeless romantics, and people that think another's possessions will be theirs because they received a small charitable gift. Most people can't even hold a job because they are too busy still combing the want ads. Constantly defending our own interests and trying to make points, we think we've won a battle when we are forgetting the most simplest of human desires...to have someone true to trust, friend or lover. So many choices and we chose the clean our mistakes over and over then make calculated decisions. Act now, regret later. No time. Too many options. Don't want to lose an opportunity. We'll be left behind! We prefer whats easy and fast. Life simplified. Commitments easily reversed. THAT is progress.

You know how the saying goes..we are never happy with what we have. We always wants what others do.....I believe Berman would refer to this as MODERNITY in play. People want to get married "till death do part" but will hand over divorce papers for leaving the toilet seat up or losing a job. Even when IN a relationship we've verbally committed to, we are often compelled to steal passwords or follow our significant other on Twitter just so we can keep tabs! Then once we have even the slight bit of disagreement or meet someone new telling us what we want to hear, we suddenly feel empowered enough to think what we have, isn't good enough. We can do better, right? Is it our fault or technologies fault? We built technology to do this......and you logged in for it. Welcome to world of 1's and 0's..The Land of New, Fast, and Easy.

How as a society can we plant a seed, hoping for a tree to raise through soil, and to grow if our leaves are constantly blown out by strong wind? The difference between our grand parents and ourselves is the value we place on our name and our word. "I like you", "I am happy", "Let's make it work", "I trust you", "I promise you", "I will stand by you", and "I love you" used to mean something. Women knew their place as pillars to society and took pride in embracing their femininity all -the-while remain a strong household figure. Her reputation was important. Men took the survival and commitments to life and family as the true brand to his family name. Today? I see postings by supposed "ladies" giving off sexual innuendo, bikini profile shots, and status updates that show a mouth as dirty as a street corner pimp. Most can't even fry a decent egg omelet. The ones that do have some skill and strength are sometimes so caught up in being a future mogul, that they've lost their ability to charm or commit to family life. Today? I see "gentlemen" that will have full conversations about work and text on a dinner date. I hear of men that are afraid of spiders or feel its below them to do anything manual around the house. I hear "pimp", "baller", "player", "bottle popper", "iced", etc as the new status symbols for an admirable man............most which couldn't even win at arm wrestling your baby sister.

Choices...How do we chose people in our lives? On what basis? Well you can always Google them right? Maybe look at their old photos on Flickr? Another reason people can't find or hold on to a SOLID person is also because our barometer of character is skewed by ideals. We want to find what we are looking for so fast, that we don't give ourselves enough time to see all the hints, clues, and obvious signs that certain people are not meant for us. Besides, if that one doesn't work or bores you, you can just never call them back, replace them after 2 weeks, tell them its over by email, or initiate a chat with their hot friends...right? or maybe better yet..you can tell them how much your ex hurt you, have them swoon over you, buy them little gifts, tell them you like them, THEN send them packing without a notice because you feel better..right? In our effort to find what we want when we want it, we selfishly drag others into our own confusion and misdirection. This, in turn, creates added mistrust of others to the other person, and they start feeling "if you can't beat them, join them". Those that don't join the ever growing F%^& Em Group (check for it - might already be on Facebook), are seen as dreamers, romantics, naive, and the weak. We don't want to be one of those "losers" so we set sail and follow the current because we think we have more strength in numbers...losing ourselves once again in a sea of the emotional conflict, power struggle, race for better, and lost of basic civil principles. This is scary...people who aren't ready for a relationship that want one, at least right now, because they feel something (not sure what it is) now, for how long, for what reasons. We think push up bras, dirty talk on first date, driving up with a sports car, talking about our potential PPP (Purchasing power parity), pretending to be "innocent", popping crystal, a new pair of shoes, an expensive dinner, a nice watch, a new "rack", hot extensions, jokes, smiles, etc are primary quantifiable criterias verses giving time for personal worth to be proven. We forget that those SOLID things can VANISH IN THE AIR. What will keep the pair going?
---So lets add money math to this since so many people speak in those terms today - assuming $1 is a equals complete respect and commitment by a person and $2 is the ideal balance. You have a few choices with $2. You can save it so it gets interest over time, you can invest it in something specific for a higher return (larger risk) and sell if it doesn't work to cut loses, or you can spend in on the best burger you'll ever have now then crap it out tomorrow. Choices.........

What does all this mean? It means while we may have put ourselves in a hurricane, we must find something grounded, AND SOLID to hold on to. Who we are, our actions, what we say about ourselves.....basically....how accountable, dependable, respectful, reliable, and responsible we are and project, is what we will attract and what we should never sacrifice as qualities in another. We WILL make mistakes in judgment. We WILL be deceived. We WILL get hurt. BUT we MUST learn. We MUST move on. We MUST try to reflect the real us to others, letting them make the decisions based on actual fact. We MUST place value and understand our actions rattle the chains link us all together. We MUST make wise choices. We are a society that desires more and to improve, but what is progress if we as people haven't progressed beyond the obvious? What is progress if we can't even hold on to what we are chasing because we don't know what it is or going to be...all we know is that we want it?

Berman states " ..modernisms of the past can give us a back a sense of our modern roots". I think he means civility and honor. Pick up the phone and talk, meet for walks and uninterrupted conversation, hold the door open for her, go to places you enjoy so you meet the type that will enjoy these things with you, don't order the most expensive item on the menu because you are not paying, listen openly, speak freely, be firm, mean what you say, stop letting talking profiles and frivolity cloud your judgment /commitments, don't fix a working clock, learn to say no, learn to turn off the phone and hear the breeze.......air can feel nice on your face if you just stand and let it past you. I'm sitting on the balcony on a breezy night trying to learn to do this myself...for me and for others. Are you ready to disconnect momentarily, plant yourself and enjoy the breeze?

:-)


NOT NECESSARY TO CONTINUE READING BEYOND THIS POINT BUT THIS MY FAVORITE PARAGRAPH IN THE BOOK..

" Modernity can illuminate the contradictory forces and needs that inspire and torment us: our desire to be rooted in a stable and coherent personal and social past, and our insatiable desire for growth - not merely economic growth but for growth in experience, in pleasure, in knowledge, in sensibility - growth that destroys both the physical and social landscapes of our past, and our emotional links with those lost words; despite our desperate allegiances to ethnic, national, class, and sexual groups which we hope to give us a firm {identity}, and the internationalization of everyday life - of our clothes and household good, our books and music, our ideas and fantasies - that spreads our identities all over the map....the social and political forces that propel us into explosive conflicts with other people...come to realize, sometimes too late, that they are not so different from us after all" .. WOW...goosebumps...

The Fork in the Road - How I lost a friend

One upon a time, I knew a girl. I met her 6 years ago and instantly we became friends. 6ft tall, exotic and full of life, she was an inspiration to me. She lived in a converted garage in her mothers house in a lower income area. She was in her mid twenties with a 7 year old, working a full time sales job, taking classes for her degree part time, ran on a nearby campus to stay in shape, started a women's club, modeled part time, dealt with her convict baby daddy and his parents, went on dates, joined me for cocktails, and STILL was able to always have her nails, makeup and clothing well put together. I was doing my master's then, living in an apartment that was paid for in a nice area, modeling and STILL couldn't remember to pay my cellphone on time. She was like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, coming through a storm and following the yellow brick home with Toto, the Tinman, The Lion, and the Scarecrow as her companions (her daughter, Passion, Strength, and Fearlessness respectively). Myself, I was in a castle in the sky.

I lost my friend.

I didn't lose her in my life. We are friends until this day speaking almost everyday. The reality is that she lost herself.

She called me today with yet another long list of complaints in her life. I've been hearing of these and trying to cheer her up for over 6 months and nothing seems to work so I decided to stop playing nice friend and tell her the truth. I did for her what I hoped a good friend would do for me...tell me things like they are no matter how much it hurt. My psychology minor finally finds a purposes here...

THE BACK STORY:
TOP DOWN PROCESSING
She met a guy and within 6 months he proposed and moved her to another state. He bought a 3 story townhouse and let her decorate it. Her daughter for the first time had her own room and bathroom..fitting for a tween. He promised to cover housing expenses and allow her time to obtain a job to have her independence. She's in a middle class neighborhood and her daughter goes to a great school............and that's where the down spiral began. Once she committed and moved in and lived together for a couple of months, he began complaining that she was not assuming her responsibilities as a women. Suddenly there were a list of rules delineated even by email from chores to frequency of blow jobs. Her car which he said he would pay, he changed his mind. PSYCHOLOGICAL EGOISM. She was stuck, couldn't move her child again, and had to deal with him her way.
The problem is the way she entered the relationship. She saw a way out and up..this was good. Her mistake?? She thought he was going to carry her "weight". She thought she and her child would be taken care of and she could pick and choose what she wanted to do. He would guide her and lead her to what she desired. He would inherit her responsibilities. COMPLACENCY.
TRANSFERENCE - she retaliated to somethings he said and did thinking she was being a "strong, don't-need-you" woman when it was infact her mistrust in men having to do with a non-existant relationship with her father and having her first love her get her pregnant then go to jail for a felony. She thinks..this won't happen to me again so he's going to know not to mess with me. DEFENSE. She fell into mind games, started using nasty language in fights so she could win the power struggle. She forgot to be a lady and to out smart him when he was manipulating her. She purposely attacked his manhood in order to "put him in his place". PROVOCATION. Next thing you know, they are arguing all of the time but no one is listening. They are both trying to win a battle without rationalizing - the most inefficent way of communicating. CHAINCHATTING. They sometimes lie or exaggerate to make a case. There is no negotiation..its my way or no way. ONE-UPMANSHIP
She begins to realize she has to give in because he has the upper hand putting a roof over her head so she starts being distant, keeping to her self, being non-sexual and not feeding into his fights. ALOOFNESS. She starts giving into demands, drinking and smoking cigars even alone, gets a mediocre job that she is over qualified for, stops putting effort into the way she looks, finds excuses not to keep herself busy. AIM INHIBITION. She complains over and over that its all "his' fault, she is a victim, she did nothing wrong, she rather be alone, remembering her mom's converted garage as a "better" life, reminiscing about casual encounters, her old freedom, complaining of lack of work, etc..REGRESSION combined with SELF PITY. She's more unmotivated than ever. She doesnt feel she can try anymore. This is something she has to accept. She going to continue status quo. JUSTIFIED COMPLACENCY...again.

All of this in 6 months....and I went through the above time line with her.

Why did Dorothy stray away from the bright yellow road and end up in the jungle? Why did she abandon her travel companions? Because she thought she found a short cut, could fight witches, navigate through darkness, without a map...

I told her I miss her. I miss Tin Man, The Lion and Scarecrow. I am concerned for Toto. "Without you, they have no motivation to continue. Without them, you will be lost and beaten".

She thought he was the shortcut. We all would (have) thought the same. But if you are going to take the fast way, remember thats its not guaranteed to be the easy way. You have to have the tools necessary to navigate and your best companions ALWAYS: people we love, Passion, Strength, and Fearlessness...or else you will look in the mirror one day and not recognize who you see.
Passion - gives you ideas, drive, desire, problem solving improves
Strength - gives you the motivation to make ideas happen and ability to carry added stress
Fearlessness - increases your ability to take risk and believe in your own ability
People that love us - give us laughter, a shoulder to cry on, a fresh prospective, and a reason to go on.

NO matter where life takes you or how life changes, whether you have all the bling or in line for a small tax return check...all it takes is a short time to strip you away of what keeps you an individual...to strip away years of your life....lost in material things, negative people, uncontrollable circumstances...or worst, our own inability to accept responsibility for our own actions, learn from them and progress.

She said ...so what should I do? She knows the answer so after 10 secs of silence, she answered her own question."Get a better job, sit down and talk to him, plan an exit strategy while saving, realize that moving was better for me and my child, and keep busy..." Exactly , I said, "and even when you meet the Wizard that helps you get back home , you always keep your traveling friends close...not to mention, me, so you NEVER get lost again.

I miss my friend. Hope she finds her way back home....

:-(



PS..if you are wondering what psychological problem I attribute to myself....maybe it altruism...who knows? look it up.

Cover to my pot...the story continues

My grandmother used read me stories of Cinderella and such when I was a young girl. The endless stories of how a man will come, everything will fall into place, the signs will be there, and two people meant by destiny to be together, will be. Why? "Because that's how its supposed to be", my twice divorced Grandma ma said (supported by my 3 times married mother). She said "every pot has its cover"... God bless them! I love them regardless...

A friend of mine and I were chatting on Facebook today. She told me she is trying to get over a guy that she loves very much and loves her. She said he told her these unique, extraordinary sentences that I had never heard before (sarcasm): "You are perfect for me. Couldn't imagine or wish for anything else! BUT I just don't see myself married or in a committed relationship right now." She said she's confused..."how can he be so dumb?! I'm PERFECT for him! He said it himself!"..blah blah blah . Never heard that before either or ever said it (more sarcasm). Then she asked "what do you think he means?"..are you ready? I asked...

1) He may love you but loves his own freedom more. Selfish but, hey, one life to live right? He's giving you the change to live yours too selfishly! Girls or Gay boys night! cool.

2) He's afraid of you/"us" changing or complicating things..basically afraid of the responsibility and accountability needed for a commitment. yes..that would make him a cop out but isn't it nice to know he's not man enough for you now? (I;m very familiar with this one)

3) He's just telling you what you want to hear. He doesn't want to hurt you so he plays a sweet Bach tune in your ears to put you to sleep. He's basically trying to keep you from jumping off a cliff or stabbing him. NICE MOVE. He's either a text book player or thinks you are crazy. Either way, you'll never know the truth. This guy sticks to the classic, safe lines: its me, really! not you..

4) Can be a man thing. He doesn't feel that he has the means to be a man to you. Weddings, Wives, and Children are getting pretty pricey these days. Some men want to be the best that they can be. (or maybe they are waiting for you to get a job and contribute...not sure). His career maybe his priority or clearing his debts or buying a house for his future family. This is a man that may want the best for you or at least wants to feel man enough for himself. At least this has some dignity to it.

BUT either one of the stories above have the same real life storybook ending...the slipper didn't fit, wolf got his dessert, or the yellow brick road is closed for repair. You are focused on his words and not his actions. That word , PERFECT, stuck to you and not the fact that he doesn't feel you are worth keeping (or is able to keep you hold on) anymore. Don't hate yourself or burn his house. Know that you sometimes don't get the cover right on the first, second , etc try. Or maybe what he's cooking doesn't need a cover.

Focus on what will be best for you- a cover that fits - a man who will think you ARE worth it - a realistic and true happy ending...

Love you grandma and mom ;-)

Cover to my pot...the story continues

My grandmother used read me stories of Cinderella and such when I was a young girl. The endless stories of how a man will come, everything will fall into place, the signs will be there, and two people meant by destiny to be together, will be. Why? "Because that's how its supposed to be", my twice divorced Grandma ma said (supported by my 3 times married mother). She said "every pot has its cover"... God bless them! I love them regardless...

A friend of mine and I were chatting on Facebook today. She told me she is trying to get over a guy that she loves very much and loves her. She said he told her these unique, extraordinary sentences that I had never heard before (sarcasm): "You are perfect for me. Couldn't imagine or wish for anything else! BUT I just don't see myself married or in a committed relationship right now." She said she's confused..."how can he be so dumb?! I'm PERFECT for him! He said it himself!"..blah blah blah . Never heard that before either or ever said it (more sarcasm). Then she asked "what do you think he means?"..are you ready? I asked...

1) He may love you but loves his own freedom more. Selfish but, hey, one life to live right? He's giving you the change to live yours too selfishly! Girls or Gay boys night! cool.

2) He's afraid of you/"us" changing or complicating things..basically afraid of the responsibility and accountability needed for a commitment. yes..that would make him a cop out but isn't it nice to know he's not man enough for you now? (I;m very familiar with this one)

3) He's just telling you what you want to hear. He doesn't want to hurt you so he plays a sweet Bach tune in your ears to put you to sleep. He's basically trying to keep you from jumping off a cliff or stabbing him. NICE MOVE. He's either a text book player or thinks you are crazy. Either way, you'll never know the truth. This guy sticks to the classic, safe lines: its me, really! not you..

4) Can be a man thing. He doesn't feel that he has the means to be a man to you. Weddings, Wives, and Children are getting pretty pricey these days. Some men want to be the best that they can be. (or maybe they are waiting for you to get a job and contribute...not sure). His career maybe his priority or clearing his debts or buying a house for his future family. This is a man that may want the best for you or at least wants to feel man enough for himself. At least this has some dignity to it.

BUT either one of the stories above have the same real life storybook ending...the slipper didn't fit, wolf got his dessert, or the yellow brick road is closed for repair. You are focused on his words and not his actions. That word , PERFECT, stuck to you and not the fact that he doesn't feel you are worth keeping (or is able to keep you hold on) anymore. Don't hate yourself or burn his house. Know that you sometimes don't get the cover right on the first, second , etc try. Or maybe what he's cooking doesn't need a cover.

Focus on what will be best for you- a cover that fits - a man who will think you ARE worth it - a realistic and true happy ending...

Love you grandma and mom ;-)