Hate "Love"? The Terror of Understanding

 Rant from an inquiring mind: Hate "love"?
(It's a long read.... But I know I have some awesome readers here)

Why is hate so easily understood and spread but love mystifies. It takes the same passion and energy to do both. Maybe the word love makes people feel weak and vulnerable. Even in personal relationships, one person always wants the upper hand by showing less love or committing less to avoid it. 🤔

What if to not scare control-preferring people, for now....and use the words "hate" and "understand"?  Let's scale back "love". I will give it a try.

I don't hate all white people or Christians because of several mass shootings this year alone (won't even go back to history) was done by a Racist Christian. I understand that not all whites like country music, have sex with cousins, like bland food, want guns and prefer women with no booty.

I'm not going to hate all Muslims (or think all Muslims are sexually confused)  because 1 self hating psychopath shoots up a night club. I understand and also know they aren't all wife beating, hate preaching, anti-Christians that like explosives.  

I'm not going to call all Mexicans criminals because of the drug lord and his goons. I also won't be a hypocrite while I plan trips to Tulum, party on Cinco de Mayo, eat tacos, put salsa on the fridge, hire them for construction work, and forget the wealthiest man in the world is Mexican from legit business. I also won't forget that a percentage of Trump's clothing line is made there.

Not all Hispanics dance and watch Telenovelas all day.
Not all Italians know how to make pizza.
Not all Jews are great at accounting.
Not all Asians are good at math or do martial arts.
Not all Africans live in huts.
Not all Indians own conveniences stores and are vegetarians
Not all gays are men. The gay males don't all dress like women. They aren't all in theater or fashion.


Silly isn't it? Why? Because we are more to open them which makes us understand them better.  We also understand, for example, just because some of the best pizzas are made by Italians and it comes from Italy, doesn't mean they all know how to make it or that any pizza-making Italian can make it well. Right?

Math teachers - correct me if I'm wrong. The above is called an if-then proposition in rational/math studies. Example:  If chickens lays eggs and are birds. Frogs lay eggs. Frogs are birds. That's called "affirming the consequent" which is a FALLACY in LOGIC. To make general assumptions leading to conclusion without acknowledging variables that make them different? Tends to lead to ILLOGICAL / IRRATIONAL conclusions.

I don't want all whites to hate me because of what some low life gang member in Compton says or does against whites and police. Thank you to those that understand.

So for those who like to lump people in one large basket........... I'm NOT a/an:

Ignorant, lazy, classless, cat eating, voodoo priestess, AIDS ridden, promiscuous, pregnant teen, loud music blasting, baby pushing, anti-white, police hating, food stamp using, kool aid drinking, gold teeth wearing, gun carrying, refugee, illiterate, over-sensitive, fatherless angry-black-female with a pre-disposition to violence and begging for hand outs.

Open yourself to making a Muslim, Mexican, Jewish and Black friend as you've done with me. It may shock you that you understand more.

For those that judge people by their names...yes... My name isn't Mary Joe, Suzy Lynn, Becky, Jane or Kathy. But just like you may realize Pauldine may show some understanding ....I am an average human. Average Humans stand erect, breath oxygen with lungs on earth, eat cooked food,  have a heart, feelings, a brain, can think, can rationalize, can read/write/speak, want to be treated with understanding. You are an average human . Jose, Dashaun, and Saud Mohammed have exact same qualities of an average human. Is it possible that Jose, Dashaun and Saud are average humans like you and me? What is the logical answer?

Can't shout "one love" yet? Then, start by understanding ONE.

The Fork in the Road - How I lost a friend

One upon a time, I knew a girl. I met her 6 years ago and instantly we became friends. 6ft tall, exotic and full of life, she was an inspiration to me. She lived in a converted garage in her mothers house in a lower income area. She was in her mid twenties with a 7 year old, working a full time sales job, taking classes for her degree part time, ran on a nearby campus to stay in shape, started a women's club, modeled part time, dealt with her convict baby daddy and his parents, went on dates, joined me for cocktails, and STILL was able to always have her nails, makeup and clothing well put together. I was doing my master's then, living in an apartment that was paid for in a nice area, modeling and STILL couldn't remember to pay my cellphone on time. She was like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, coming through a storm and following the yellow brick home with Toto, the Tinman, The Lion, and the Scarecrow as her companions (her daughter, Passion, Strength, and Fearlessness respectively). Myself, I was in a castle in the sky.

I lost my friend.

I didn't lose her in my life. We are friends until this day speaking almost everyday. The reality is that she lost herself.

She called me today with yet another long list of complaints in her life. I've been hearing of these and trying to cheer her up for over 6 months and nothing seems to work so I decided to stop playing nice friend and tell her the truth. I did for her what I hoped a good friend would do for me...tell me things like they are no matter how much it hurt. My psychology minor finally finds a purposes here...

THE BACK STORY:
TOP DOWN PROCESSING
She met a guy and within 6 months he proposed and moved her to another state. He bought a 3 story townhouse and let her decorate it. Her daughter for the first time had her own room and bathroom..fitting for a tween. He promised to cover housing expenses and allow her time to obtain a job to have her independence. She's in a middle class neighborhood and her daughter goes to a great school............and that's where the down spiral began. Once she committed and moved in and lived together for a couple of months, he began complaining that she was not assuming her responsibilities as a women. Suddenly there were a list of rules delineated even by email from chores to frequency of blow jobs. Her car which he said he would pay, he changed his mind. PSYCHOLOGICAL EGOISM. She was stuck, couldn't move her child again, and had to deal with him her way.
The problem is the way she entered the relationship. She saw a way out and up..this was good. Her mistake?? She thought he was going to carry her "weight". She thought she and her child would be taken care of and she could pick and choose what she wanted to do. He would guide her and lead her to what she desired. He would inherit her responsibilities. COMPLACENCY.
TRANSFERENCE - she retaliated to somethings he said and did thinking she was being a "strong, don't-need-you" woman when it was infact her mistrust in men having to do with a non-existant relationship with her father and having her first love her get her pregnant then go to jail for a felony. She thinks..this won't happen to me again so he's going to know not to mess with me. DEFENSE. She fell into mind games, started using nasty language in fights so she could win the power struggle. She forgot to be a lady and to out smart him when he was manipulating her. She purposely attacked his manhood in order to "put him in his place". PROVOCATION. Next thing you know, they are arguing all of the time but no one is listening. They are both trying to win a battle without rationalizing - the most inefficent way of communicating. CHAINCHATTING. They sometimes lie or exaggerate to make a case. There is no negotiation..its my way or no way. ONE-UPMANSHIP
She begins to realize she has to give in because he has the upper hand putting a roof over her head so she starts being distant, keeping to her self, being non-sexual and not feeding into his fights. ALOOFNESS. She starts giving into demands, drinking and smoking cigars even alone, gets a mediocre job that she is over qualified for, stops putting effort into the way she looks, finds excuses not to keep herself busy. AIM INHIBITION. She complains over and over that its all "his' fault, she is a victim, she did nothing wrong, she rather be alone, remembering her mom's converted garage as a "better" life, reminiscing about casual encounters, her old freedom, complaining of lack of work, etc..REGRESSION combined with SELF PITY. She's more unmotivated than ever. She doesnt feel she can try anymore. This is something she has to accept. She going to continue status quo. JUSTIFIED COMPLACENCY...again.

All of this in 6 months....and I went through the above time line with her.

Why did Dorothy stray away from the bright yellow road and end up in the jungle? Why did she abandon her travel companions? Because she thought she found a short cut, could fight witches, navigate through darkness, without a map...

I told her I miss her. I miss Tin Man, The Lion and Scarecrow. I am concerned for Toto. "Without you, they have no motivation to continue. Without them, you will be lost and beaten".

She thought he was the shortcut. We all would (have) thought the same. But if you are going to take the fast way, remember thats its not guaranteed to be the easy way. You have to have the tools necessary to navigate and your best companions ALWAYS: people we love, Passion, Strength, and Fearlessness...or else you will look in the mirror one day and not recognize who you see.
Passion - gives you ideas, drive, desire, problem solving improves
Strength - gives you the motivation to make ideas happen and ability to carry added stress
Fearlessness - increases your ability to take risk and believe in your own ability
People that love us - give us laughter, a shoulder to cry on, a fresh prospective, and a reason to go on.

NO matter where life takes you or how life changes, whether you have all the bling or in line for a small tax return check...all it takes is a short time to strip you away of what keeps you an individual...to strip away years of your life....lost in material things, negative people, uncontrollable circumstances...or worst, our own inability to accept responsibility for our own actions, learn from them and progress.

She said ...so what should I do? She knows the answer so after 10 secs of silence, she answered her own question."Get a better job, sit down and talk to him, plan an exit strategy while saving, realize that moving was better for me and my child, and keep busy..." Exactly , I said, "and even when you meet the Wizard that helps you get back home , you always keep your traveling friends close...not to mention, me, so you NEVER get lost again.

I miss my friend. Hope she finds her way back home....

:-(



PS..if you are wondering what psychological problem I attribute to myself....maybe it altruism...who knows? look it up.

Cover to my pot...the story continues

My grandmother used read me stories of Cinderella and such when I was a young girl. The endless stories of how a man will come, everything will fall into place, the signs will be there, and two people meant by destiny to be together, will be. Why? "Because that's how its supposed to be", my twice divorced Grandma ma said (supported by my 3 times married mother). She said "every pot has its cover"... God bless them! I love them regardless...

A friend of mine and I were chatting on Facebook today. She told me she is trying to get over a guy that she loves very much and loves her. She said he told her these unique, extraordinary sentences that I had never heard before (sarcasm): "You are perfect for me. Couldn't imagine or wish for anything else! BUT I just don't see myself married or in a committed relationship right now." She said she's confused..."how can he be so dumb?! I'm PERFECT for him! He said it himself!"..blah blah blah . Never heard that before either or ever said it (more sarcasm). Then she asked "what do you think he means?"..are you ready? I asked...

1) He may love you but loves his own freedom more. Selfish but, hey, one life to live right? He's giving you the change to live yours too selfishly! Girls or Gay boys night! cool.

2) He's afraid of you/"us" changing or complicating things..basically afraid of the responsibility and accountability needed for a commitment. yes..that would make him a cop out but isn't it nice to know he's not man enough for you now? (I;m very familiar with this one)

3) He's just telling you what you want to hear. He doesn't want to hurt you so he plays a sweet Bach tune in your ears to put you to sleep. He's basically trying to keep you from jumping off a cliff or stabbing him. NICE MOVE. He's either a text book player or thinks you are crazy. Either way, you'll never know the truth. This guy sticks to the classic, safe lines: its me, really! not you..

4) Can be a man thing. He doesn't feel that he has the means to be a man to you. Weddings, Wives, and Children are getting pretty pricey these days. Some men want to be the best that they can be. (or maybe they are waiting for you to get a job and contribute...not sure). His career maybe his priority or clearing his debts or buying a house for his future family. This is a man that may want the best for you or at least wants to feel man enough for himself. At least this has some dignity to it.

BUT either one of the stories above have the same real life storybook ending...the slipper didn't fit, wolf got his dessert, or the yellow brick road is closed for repair. You are focused on his words and not his actions. That word , PERFECT, stuck to you and not the fact that he doesn't feel you are worth keeping (or is able to keep you hold on) anymore. Don't hate yourself or burn his house. Know that you sometimes don't get the cover right on the first, second , etc try. Or maybe what he's cooking doesn't need a cover.

Focus on what will be best for you- a cover that fits - a man who will think you ARE worth it - a realistic and true happy ending...

Love you grandma and mom ;-)