Silence of the BOOM - The EX factor

Within the last week alone, I have had 3 different people I know talk about an ex that is harassing them. THREE PEOPLE in 1 week! I too was dealing with the same issue today hence the inspiration for a new blog post.

Scenario:
There is a break - up. Things like this happen all of the time. We tighten our belts and do our best to suck it up. We go through our emotional rollercoaster, ride ends, our head stops spinning then we move forward and carefully choose our next ride (if we can still hold our lunch from the last one). The time frame for this is subjective. In my own case 5 weeks. You meet someone new. Whether its love or what I like to call, a "bookmark", it works (see my post - "It is what it is"). We feel good, appreciated, comforted, and entertained. Maybe from there we DO find someone else to our surprise or luck. Maybe it’s certain life choices that motivate us to move forward positively and optimistically. Either way, we've CHOSEN to be happy (see post: Positive Poisoning). Then it happens.....the ex comes back for the kill. Between texts, emails, and calls, it’s a bunch of threats, name calling, personal attacks, and angry venting. WTF?

I spent my ME time, gym time, thinking about this. Why is it that when WE stop sulking and progress that the ex positions him/herself for a character assassination?? Is it coincidental? Is it a carefully planned assault? My guess: it’s the disturbing silence.

Let's go back to the rollercoaster analogy. You know that slow climb to the top? The climb that you know will be a gut wrenching drop? Have you ever noticed, even with noise, there is a silence? You can see darkness or the bright sky but it’s nothing...a blank canvas...plus you and your thoughts. That moment can be scarier than the drop itself. THIS is what happens in your ex's mind when the hunt begins. THAT's what happens in YOUR mind when you have that uncontrollable urge to tell them swim in a pool of glass then wash off with alcohol. It’s that BOOM that occurs after the silence. But this post is not about you, it’s about them.

Breaks CAN be fairly easy...breakup, tear, pain, hate, anger, friends, family, the new one, the new thing, time passes, moving on, give me my shit back, you are off my Facebook, maybe we can be friends "later", officially moved on. Pretty simple, right? The only hard part is the time it takes BUT deep down we know months/year(s) from now, it won't be that bad in retrospect. We've gone through this already. but....BUT...there is that one person you come across in your lifetime that won't let anything go even if THEY are the ones that wronged us. It’s like they are wondering "how come after what I did, they are smiling again"? "Are they mocking me with their peace"? "Let me test to see if there is still something there for me to f$%k with". All these questions happen; you guessed it, during the silence. It’s purely an attempt to boost their ego at your expense. It’s for them to feel that they can control and manipulate you at their convenience - help them out of their silence. Think about it...if they were REALLY happy and REALLY busy, they wouldn't have time to create problems and instigate. On the contrary, they would do everything humanly possible to nurture the silence and slither around you to their hole unnoticed. But instead, they:

• Create false and exaggerated stories about you to make other "take their side" and play drums in their Hate You band. I pity the one-sided souls that believe them.
• They claim you are harassing them. They contact you telling you to leave them alone and to move on. Just writing this line made me laugh.
• They try to make your friends and loyals, THEIR friends and loyals. It’s a chess checkmate attempt. They figure the more of your "pieces" they have, the less moves you can make. This is a big favor. They can help you weed out the bad people in your life. It’s like they are taking the trash out for you. But...why would you want my trash???? Anyway...What about the good ones? They'll let you know what’s up, try not to fall for tricks and keep things right with you so don't worry about them.
• They call you names that they feel are your weak points. IE. You hate liars, so they call you a liar. If you make a list of what these things maybe, you can just email them in advance to save them the trouble. It's the polite thing to do.
• They tell you the ENTIRE relationship was miserable and they were never happy. Humm. That’s funny. Does that make you a masochist or someone with attachment issues?
• They tell you sexually, you just weren't "it" although half the time they couldn't keep their hands off of you. Occasionally, you may have even hoped for "it" to over or it went so fast that it wasn’t necessary.
• They give you a list of what they did for you. I bought you roses and dinner on Valentine's Day! "I bought your mom a Christmas gift!" "I let you sleep over!" "I bought you a gift for your birthday!" Sorry I didn’t know we were keeping tabs and receipts. How much does tolerance, patience, and pretending meaningless stories were fascinating costs per hour? hummm. Anybody know? Petty POS. Send them your accountant's contact. Maybe some of those are eligible deductions.
• They threaten to keep or give away certain things that you want back. Again petty POS. this is because they want you to beg. They want to know that they have the power to make you suffer. My remedy? I prefer not to say. It might be held against me in a court of law. lol. In all seriousness, this is because holding on to that THING is like holding on to you. If I can't stand someone, why the hell would I hold on to something that is theirs?? Side note: did I tell you my dog is a BLACK, FEMALE, FRENCH bulldog with a sassy attitude? :-) Miss her.
• They talk crap about your possibilities of finding anyone else or just bad mouth your current. The smile on your face should say it all. It should say everything. Haven't seen that smile in a while, have ya?
• They accuse you of take their stuff or money. Most of the time, they are hiding the crap themselves. It’s all part of keeping the fire burning and the control. They set up the scenario, play victim, and then accuse only to laugh at you in their mind as you fall for the trap. Be aware and remember the 1st point in this list. They'll have someone to back them up or defend them so you may have more than 1 person to handle.
• They try to make you jealous with someone else. This is an easy one. 9 of 10 cases of people I know report that the "replacement" never lasts. Why? Because the intention was never to keep them. The intention is to use them in the beginning to show you they moved on, they are happy, they can have someone else..blah blah ...and ..they are having..ah oh..sex (hand on mouth) with someone else. If your ex is anything like mine, you've already gotten over the latter early on and you are actually glad someone else is dealing with the stupper. They make their newbie initially as visible and obvious as they can. Pay no mind, handle yours then their pawn no longer serves its purpose...next thing you know..poof..they are downgraded to a side order on call. My thoughts: if you are going to make me jealous (if I even care enough), you better BRING IT. I better look at your arm candy and say DAMN, touché, Pauldine - you've been served! Do that (if you can break my confidence), I will politely put my head down, tail between the legs, hate you in my murmur, then envy the living crap out of that person. Otherwise, keep on compiling and accumulating hoping they will all add up. Sista talk - I ain't purrfeck. I ainn't no Naomi but yo boo make me feel lik I am. Thank you for the extra boost.
• When all fails, they say they need you for something. They trust you and like you as a person again. Please. They trust you now, they trusted you before, and they'll trust you always. They will and always will like you. It has nothing to do with it! You’ll just never hear that come out of their mouth to you or others because it NEGATES ALL OF THE ABOVE. The reality is the person, whether they left you or you left them, NEED to feel they can still affect you. They need you to make them feel good, strong, powerful....so....what does that say again about the prance-around gimmick in the previous bullet point. Tell the accessory: Damn it! Do your job better so they stop hounding! Make them happy so this transition can be smooth and happy of all 3 (or 4, 5, 6 whatever) of us. It can be win - win!!! NOTE: the need for them to feel powerful and in control also may come from the fact that in their silence, they actually feel weak and bored. You are the easiest target. Don't worry, eventually they start playing the same game with the "frosting".
• My fav?? They try to make you desire them. Maybe opening the door with a towel. Maybe brushing past your arms or leg. Maybe randomly saying sweet nothings. Don't fall for this. Whether you give in or not, they go back to crazy. Lets the "page fold" take care of this. It’s their job anyway, no longer yours.

So going back to silence....

Lama Yashe, author of The Peaceful Stillness of the Silent Mind, writes "at certain times, a silent mind is very important, but silent does not mean closed. The silent mind is an alert, awakened mind; a mind seeking the nature of reality."

The silence in your ex's mind wakes them up to the reality that you truly desire to set yourself free and no longer will act as a crutch to their limp. It’s the anger that they can't have you on strings and have everything else at the same time. It’s the realization............that no matter what they say or how they act...........they actually.............want and need you. You have VALUE or else they would cut all strings and disappear. This is why they push you away but keep you within visible distance or reach. Remember! They invested time in you too!!! So seeing their efforts, comfort zone, the reliable sidekick, and the do-buddy walk away without leaving back any "perks" is a the BOOM in their silence.

Acknowledgment is a form of flattery. Cold disregard and laughter is best remedy. (I wrote that)

Focus on your silence and make your desire to be happy...... your BOOM.

:-)

NOTE: This is dedicated to my new lil lil lil"sis", my big mamma "sis", my techie - Thank you for the personal stories and inspiration. To my Bling BOOMer - love the way you make me feel - acknowledged and important in your life. All of your actions, talk and contact (online and vocal) revolve around getting my attention and controlling me. I must be worth "toying" with. Love you for it. One day maybe we'll be friends but now I'll keep you in the only positive light left - as my BOOM.