Embracing Air - why its hard to hold on

Marshall Berman's book, All That is Solid Melts in to Air , tackles the issue of the complexities and contradictions that occur within societies as they pursue Modernity. Modernity, a socio-philosophical approach in social theory, is described to be a "revolution" that began in the 19th century, initiated by a combination both writers such as Marx and Dostoevsky, and also, the boom in the steel industry and heavy industrialization. Berman believes that "modern day living", if time lined and analyzed through the 20th century, would prove that people are in constant "flux" (always chasing what they believe to be progress), in turn, create a chain of constant change that keeps people chasing. What does this mean? We never stay put. We are only satisfied for a moment until the next best thing comes. We become a slave to our own imaginations and ideals which keep growing. Our past shapes who we become, but we often get caught up in our moments hoping for a better future. Our imaginations and ideals gives us more to desire. Without this drive, we can't move forward as a progressive, advanced, creative, modern world. But...BUT , with it, CAN WE MOVE ON AS A CIVIL, SOCIAL, RATIONAL WORLD?

FACT:
Mark Zuckerberg founded Facebook in 2004 and was an almost instant success.
Tom Anderson founded Myspace in 2003 and it became popular in 2006
Commercialization of the Internet was in 1990's
Motorola released the first commercially available mobile phone in 1983

All That is Solid Melts in Air by Marshall Berman was first released was in 1982..........Berman saw it coming. A modern day, Nostradamous in my opinion.

I always hear from my friends how it is so hard to find someone serious or to stay committed. Some people think its the city they live in. Some people think its education or family ties. Some others figure that all the good ones are taken. But with a boom in world population, increased ways for people to meet and stay in touch, rise in plastic surgery, endless new "it" things to buy, so many different stocks and products to invest our money in, etc........................why are so many eligible bachelor's and bachelorette's remain just that....eligible?

I've thought of this many times not just to give advice to others, but also for myself! I was speaking to a dear person to me via Skype from Istanbul. We found it so amazing that despite the distance, we know what going on with our lives and chat just with an "accept" button on the screen. All it costs us was our time, a computer and internet connection. Long gone are the days of waiting at home to get a call without being able to screen it and speak in our cars. I love it. I got my first cellphone in 1996 and was using walkie talkies in my hometown in Haiti since 1993. I was the first in my neighborhood to have a computer...my great Tandy with DOS. I can't live without direct access and without strings attached, literally! Now with my Blackberry, IPad, Laptop and Ipod , I feel I have the world at my fingertips whenever and where ever I want. Even when I'm alone, I have access to over 1800 people. I AM the modern person. If you are reading this now, so are you....So why are we sometimes so alone?

Going back to my earlier question, why are there so many people looking for love and forever but can't seem to hold on to anyone? My theory relates to what Berman addresses in his book but with a ting of post-Modernist idealism. He says " I believe communication and dialogue have taken on a new specific weight and urgency in modern times..... become both a desperate need and a primary source of delight. In a world where meanings melt into air, these experiences are among the few solid sources of meaning we can count on". WOW. He wrote this years before we knew what a BBM even was or Steve Jobs gave us Iphones. Point? We can't hold on to SOLID (grounded) relationships with SOLID (focused) people using SOLID (conventional) methods of interaction because people are too caught up constantly chasing what they feel maybe better, so they ignore possibilities that sit SOLIDly right in front of them....Hence why they disappear in the AIR.

With over 300 million profiles on Facebook, we have an endless number of choices, not to mention, an easy way of connecting with people without exposing ourselves completely. Its like getting to know someone through a smoke screen. We let our imagination make people we meet what we want them to be. We, in turn, tell them what we think they should know. We make our "face" as appealing as possible. We arrange to meet by text message. We tell them we are running late by bbm. We lay the cellphone on the table or in our pockets so we don't miss calls. THEN we are continue to interact based on a mirage. Is it a surprise that after a while, we discover that most of what we thought of the person was not true? Is it a surprise how fast people change their mind and how unexpected this changes always are? Its like living in a world of schizophrenics! Then we hate, allow ourselves to be emotional distraught over someone that PROVED they weren't worth it. We remain linked to their profiles, following their Tweets, and hoping for closure through one last acknowledgment , while pretending we are in control by posting pictures and comments of how "complete" we feel. We've lowered our self worth so much that we can't see disrespect (our prioritized place) and convince ourselves that we are progressing by hiding behind our work, our formal education, our dreams, our "connections" and our possessions. Mistresses think they are going to be the replacement (some led to believe so within reason), men feeling they can manipulate minds and hopeless romantics, and people that think another's possessions will be theirs because they received a small charitable gift. Most people can't even hold a job because they are too busy still combing the want ads. Constantly defending our own interests and trying to make points, we think we've won a battle when we are forgetting the most simplest of human desires...to have someone true to trust, friend or lover. So many choices and we chose the clean our mistakes over and over then make calculated decisions. Act now, regret later. No time. Too many options. Don't want to lose an opportunity. We'll be left behind! We prefer whats easy and fast. Life simplified. Commitments easily reversed. THAT is progress.

You know how the saying goes..we are never happy with what we have. We always wants what others do.....I believe Berman would refer to this as MODERNITY in play. People want to get married "till death do part" but will hand over divorce papers for leaving the toilet seat up or losing a job. Even when IN a relationship we've verbally committed to, we are often compelled to steal passwords or follow our significant other on Twitter just so we can keep tabs! Then once we have even the slight bit of disagreement or meet someone new telling us what we want to hear, we suddenly feel empowered enough to think what we have, isn't good enough. We can do better, right? Is it our fault or technologies fault? We built technology to do this......and you logged in for it. Welcome to world of 1's and 0's..The Land of New, Fast, and Easy.

How as a society can we plant a seed, hoping for a tree to raise through soil, and to grow if our leaves are constantly blown out by strong wind? The difference between our grand parents and ourselves is the value we place on our name and our word. "I like you", "I am happy", "Let's make it work", "I trust you", "I promise you", "I will stand by you", and "I love you" used to mean something. Women knew their place as pillars to society and took pride in embracing their femininity all -the-while remain a strong household figure. Her reputation was important. Men took the survival and commitments to life and family as the true brand to his family name. Today? I see postings by supposed "ladies" giving off sexual innuendo, bikini profile shots, and status updates that show a mouth as dirty as a street corner pimp. Most can't even fry a decent egg omelet. The ones that do have some skill and strength are sometimes so caught up in being a future mogul, that they've lost their ability to charm or commit to family life. Today? I see "gentlemen" that will have full conversations about work and text on a dinner date. I hear of men that are afraid of spiders or feel its below them to do anything manual around the house. I hear "pimp", "baller", "player", "bottle popper", "iced", etc as the new status symbols for an admirable man............most which couldn't even win at arm wrestling your baby sister.

Choices...How do we chose people in our lives? On what basis? Well you can always Google them right? Maybe look at their old photos on Flickr? Another reason people can't find or hold on to a SOLID person is also because our barometer of character is skewed by ideals. We want to find what we are looking for so fast, that we don't give ourselves enough time to see all the hints, clues, and obvious signs that certain people are not meant for us. Besides, if that one doesn't work or bores you, you can just never call them back, replace them after 2 weeks, tell them its over by email, or initiate a chat with their hot friends...right? or maybe better yet..you can tell them how much your ex hurt you, have them swoon over you, buy them little gifts, tell them you like them, THEN send them packing without a notice because you feel better..right? In our effort to find what we want when we want it, we selfishly drag others into our own confusion and misdirection. This, in turn, creates added mistrust of others to the other person, and they start feeling "if you can't beat them, join them". Those that don't join the ever growing F%^& Em Group (check for it - might already be on Facebook), are seen as dreamers, romantics, naive, and the weak. We don't want to be one of those "losers" so we set sail and follow the current because we think we have more strength in numbers...losing ourselves once again in a sea of the emotional conflict, power struggle, race for better, and lost of basic civil principles. This is scary...people who aren't ready for a relationship that want one, at least right now, because they feel something (not sure what it is) now, for how long, for what reasons. We think push up bras, dirty talk on first date, driving up with a sports car, talking about our potential PPP (Purchasing power parity), pretending to be "innocent", popping crystal, a new pair of shoes, an expensive dinner, a nice watch, a new "rack", hot extensions, jokes, smiles, etc are primary quantifiable criterias verses giving time for personal worth to be proven. We forget that those SOLID things can VANISH IN THE AIR. What will keep the pair going?
---So lets add money math to this since so many people speak in those terms today - assuming $1 is a equals complete respect and commitment by a person and $2 is the ideal balance. You have a few choices with $2. You can save it so it gets interest over time, you can invest it in something specific for a higher return (larger risk) and sell if it doesn't work to cut loses, or you can spend in on the best burger you'll ever have now then crap it out tomorrow. Choices.........

What does all this mean? It means while we may have put ourselves in a hurricane, we must find something grounded, AND SOLID to hold on to. Who we are, our actions, what we say about ourselves.....basically....how accountable, dependable, respectful, reliable, and responsible we are and project, is what we will attract and what we should never sacrifice as qualities in another. We WILL make mistakes in judgment. We WILL be deceived. We WILL get hurt. BUT we MUST learn. We MUST move on. We MUST try to reflect the real us to others, letting them make the decisions based on actual fact. We MUST place value and understand our actions rattle the chains link us all together. We MUST make wise choices. We are a society that desires more and to improve, but what is progress if we as people haven't progressed beyond the obvious? What is progress if we can't even hold on to what we are chasing because we don't know what it is or going to be...all we know is that we want it?

Berman states " ..modernisms of the past can give us a back a sense of our modern roots". I think he means civility and honor. Pick up the phone and talk, meet for walks and uninterrupted conversation, hold the door open for her, go to places you enjoy so you meet the type that will enjoy these things with you, don't order the most expensive item on the menu because you are not paying, listen openly, speak freely, be firm, mean what you say, stop letting talking profiles and frivolity cloud your judgment /commitments, don't fix a working clock, learn to say no, learn to turn off the phone and hear the breeze.......air can feel nice on your face if you just stand and let it past you. I'm sitting on the balcony on a breezy night trying to learn to do this myself...for me and for others. Are you ready to disconnect momentarily, plant yourself and enjoy the breeze?

:-)


NOT NECESSARY TO CONTINUE READING BEYOND THIS POINT BUT THIS MY FAVORITE PARAGRAPH IN THE BOOK..

" Modernity can illuminate the contradictory forces and needs that inspire and torment us: our desire to be rooted in a stable and coherent personal and social past, and our insatiable desire for growth - not merely economic growth but for growth in experience, in pleasure, in knowledge, in sensibility - growth that destroys both the physical and social landscapes of our past, and our emotional links with those lost words; despite our desperate allegiances to ethnic, national, class, and sexual groups which we hope to give us a firm {identity}, and the internationalization of everyday life - of our clothes and household good, our books and music, our ideas and fantasies - that spreads our identities all over the map....the social and political forces that propel us into explosive conflicts with other people...come to realize, sometimes too late, that they are not so different from us after all" .. WOW...goosebumps...