When people's relationships break off whether its in business, a fling, committed relationship or simply a friendship, the sentence I hear the most is "I need closure". I've had 2 different people from opposite sides of the world tell me about this burning desire this week...........closure. I had to really think about what this word is supposed to really mean...how this word is supposed to manifest.
In order to tackle the abstraction of this word, I first had to analyze my own past experiences. My recent relationship's breakup, as people have told me, should have taken at least a year to get over. Three years, I "gave" myself to someone whom I ended up nursing until I ran dry. I didn't want to fail so I kept on but in the end the person I thought I loved was no longer. SPLIT! Right before the holidays in 2010. As anyone would be in a major life adjustment, I was destroyed...couldn't sleep, cried for a week, started smoking again, and had enough anger in me to set everything around me on fire just by looking at it. It took me a month and a half to get over it. Why was it so fast? I'm assuming because :A) this wasn't my heart's first disappointment. As I'm no "spring chicken", these things get easier (or at least they should) . B) My ex made it easy. How so? I'll give an analogy just so I don't completely expose the exact issues. Imagine trying out a new seafood restaurant and getting food poisoning the next day. Fever, hot flashes, and nausea lead you to see a doctor. Imagine the doctor telling you that everyone that has been to that restaurant has gotten the same illness. So? Do you miss the meal you had? Or accept that the consequences suck, and get better. THAT was my closure - I got sick and didn't want to go back to expose myself to that again. PERIOD. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the meal and had high hopes of making that MY seafood joint but it didn't work out as planned. That type of rationalization is something that comes with time and experience. I'm not that old, or wise, but the ex before the last probably help take the edge off of any other future break ups whether in love or friendship. I was younger, a hopeless romantic, and un-jaded. I learned...the hard way. Most importantly, I learned to love myself over anything else. Sure, I miss the "innocence" of my idealistic desires but I learned jumping into relationships both feet forward and blind may lead to injury so I keep an open eye and deep down I meditate. Ommmmm. Repeat. "I got over the last one and always did better...I WILL do it again". Ommmmm. "Why be miserable when someone else sleeps peacefully in their ignorant bliss?". Ommmmm. "I love myself, what I stand for, and the intrinsic value I offer to another enough to give someone else the time and opportunity to discover it". English Writer, John Heyward said "If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy however adverse your circumstances seem to be". Summary? Your strength and inner power gets stronger as time passes and you go through life's crappy moments... BECAUSE YOUR ABILITY TO RECOVER BETTER IS DUE TO AN ACCUMULATION OF WHAT IS LEARNED IN RETROSPECT FROM THE CRAP.
Let's test this out. Clear your mind. Think of the last time, someone you trusted disappointed you. It can be a best friend, a family member, a lover, a spouse, a pet, a emploer...whatever. This about how low that person made you feel. Think about the anger, rage, need for revenge, need to discuss, the tears, the bad words exchanged...whatever you were feeling at the time. Thinking about it?
What was your "closure" ? What helped you feel better? What helped you accept and move on with your life? No matter what your answer was from keying their car, blocking them on Facebook, ripping pictures, trying to be friends, bad mouthing the person everywhere, basking in their failures, to talking things through....because you DID something about it, right? Nope. What you did was self satisfy a desire for acknowledgment and recognition whether positive or negative. What helped the agitation pass is ...........................yes, time...........but also, we WANT to live TO SEE time pass. Those that don't are hospitalized in a rehab centers, fighting addictions, and pondering selfish suicidal thoughts. It is the fact that you are now living in the future tense of these situations and are looking at it in retrospect, in hind sight. You thought I was going to say that time heals all wounds, right? Wrong! We begin to HEAL the moment we CHOOSE to. Its a re-prioritization in focus. Its a TEST to our ability to SURVIVE. Its the CHARACTER that your reflection in the mirror SHOULD reflect. Do you see it? Will you see it? DO YOU WANT TO SEE IT?
Martha Washington, 1st US president George Washington's wife: "I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness OR misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances".
Going back to the seafood analogy. If you were in my situation, would you never eat seafood anywhere again? Of course not, especially if you love seafood as much as I do. You can't avoid something you like, something you desire, something that may be accessible to you just because you are afraid that you'll get sick again. Not every seafood restaurant wants to disappoint its clients or has negligent standards of quality. The difference is the next time, if something smells or looks off, you'll be more careful. If people you trust tell you to avoid the place, you have a CHOICE to do so. This is called taking a calculated risk still bearing in mind that we may still be disappointed in one way or another. "A man's errors are his portals of discovery", the great James Joyce noted. This works both ways - the hurt and the hurtor - so everyone eventually gets it but you need to focus on when you do. "Discovery" happens at various paces and, I believe, it depends on how ready we are to ACCEPT THAT WE DESERVE TO BE HAPPY; TO LIVE!!! Another lover, a new friend, shopping, gossiping, work, alcohol, cigarettes, psychiatrist, drugs.....nothing......can do this for us BUT US. All the aforementioned are, are temporary/immediate solutions to preoccupy our attention while we avoid reality. You, Us, We, I, He, She, They......however you reference the "hurt".....is sub-consciously postponing the "discovery", the "experience", the wisdom for a more empowered continuance of our life.
Final words....I will let Norman Vincent Peale, author of The Power of Positive Thinking, tell you : "One of the greatest moments in anybody's developing experiences is when he no longer tries to hide from himself but determines to get acquainted with himself as he really is".
PS...Today is officially 1 week without a cigarette. I CHOSE not to poison my lungs and shorten my life while another could breathe freely. Every puff was a reminder of how damaged I had allowed myself to be; how "affected" I was. I am no longer...case closed...next.
:-)
u r a genius writer
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