The Fork in the Road - How I lost a friend

One upon a time, I knew a girl. I met her 6 years ago and instantly we became friends. 6ft tall, exotic and full of life, she was an inspiration to me. She lived in a converted garage in her mothers house in a lower income area. She was in her mid twenties with a 7 year old, working a full time sales job, taking classes for her degree part time, ran on a nearby campus to stay in shape, started a women's club, modeled part time, dealt with her convict baby daddy and his parents, went on dates, joined me for cocktails, and STILL was able to always have her nails, makeup and clothing well put together. I was doing my master's then, living in an apartment that was paid for in a nice area, modeling and STILL couldn't remember to pay my cellphone on time. She was like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, coming through a storm and following the yellow brick home with Toto, the Tinman, The Lion, and the Scarecrow as her companions (her daughter, Passion, Strength, and Fearlessness respectively). Myself, I was in a castle in the sky.

I lost my friend.

I didn't lose her in my life. We are friends until this day speaking almost everyday. The reality is that she lost herself.

She called me today with yet another long list of complaints in her life. I've been hearing of these and trying to cheer her up for over 6 months and nothing seems to work so I decided to stop playing nice friend and tell her the truth. I did for her what I hoped a good friend would do for me...tell me things like they are no matter how much it hurt. My psychology minor finally finds a purposes here...

THE BACK STORY:
TOP DOWN PROCESSING
She met a guy and within 6 months he proposed and moved her to another state. He bought a 3 story townhouse and let her decorate it. Her daughter for the first time had her own room and bathroom..fitting for a tween. He promised to cover housing expenses and allow her time to obtain a job to have her independence. She's in a middle class neighborhood and her daughter goes to a great school............and that's where the down spiral began. Once she committed and moved in and lived together for a couple of months, he began complaining that she was not assuming her responsibilities as a women. Suddenly there were a list of rules delineated even by email from chores to frequency of blow jobs. Her car which he said he would pay, he changed his mind. PSYCHOLOGICAL EGOISM. She was stuck, couldn't move her child again, and had to deal with him her way.
The problem is the way she entered the relationship. She saw a way out and up..this was good. Her mistake?? She thought he was going to carry her "weight". She thought she and her child would be taken care of and she could pick and choose what she wanted to do. He would guide her and lead her to what she desired. He would inherit her responsibilities. COMPLACENCY.
TRANSFERENCE - she retaliated to somethings he said and did thinking she was being a "strong, don't-need-you" woman when it was infact her mistrust in men having to do with a non-existant relationship with her father and having her first love her get her pregnant then go to jail for a felony. She thinks..this won't happen to me again so he's going to know not to mess with me. DEFENSE. She fell into mind games, started using nasty language in fights so she could win the power struggle. She forgot to be a lady and to out smart him when he was manipulating her. She purposely attacked his manhood in order to "put him in his place". PROVOCATION. Next thing you know, they are arguing all of the time but no one is listening. They are both trying to win a battle without rationalizing - the most inefficent way of communicating. CHAINCHATTING. They sometimes lie or exaggerate to make a case. There is no negotiation..its my way or no way. ONE-UPMANSHIP
She begins to realize she has to give in because he has the upper hand putting a roof over her head so she starts being distant, keeping to her self, being non-sexual and not feeding into his fights. ALOOFNESS. She starts giving into demands, drinking and smoking cigars even alone, gets a mediocre job that she is over qualified for, stops putting effort into the way she looks, finds excuses not to keep herself busy. AIM INHIBITION. She complains over and over that its all "his' fault, she is a victim, she did nothing wrong, she rather be alone, remembering her mom's converted garage as a "better" life, reminiscing about casual encounters, her old freedom, complaining of lack of work, etc..REGRESSION combined with SELF PITY. She's more unmotivated than ever. She doesnt feel she can try anymore. This is something she has to accept. She going to continue status quo. JUSTIFIED COMPLACENCY...again.

All of this in 6 months....and I went through the above time line with her.

Why did Dorothy stray away from the bright yellow road and end up in the jungle? Why did she abandon her travel companions? Because she thought she found a short cut, could fight witches, navigate through darkness, without a map...

I told her I miss her. I miss Tin Man, The Lion and Scarecrow. I am concerned for Toto. "Without you, they have no motivation to continue. Without them, you will be lost and beaten".

She thought he was the shortcut. We all would (have) thought the same. But if you are going to take the fast way, remember thats its not guaranteed to be the easy way. You have to have the tools necessary to navigate and your best companions ALWAYS: people we love, Passion, Strength, and Fearlessness...or else you will look in the mirror one day and not recognize who you see.
Passion - gives you ideas, drive, desire, problem solving improves
Strength - gives you the motivation to make ideas happen and ability to carry added stress
Fearlessness - increases your ability to take risk and believe in your own ability
People that love us - give us laughter, a shoulder to cry on, a fresh prospective, and a reason to go on.

NO matter where life takes you or how life changes, whether you have all the bling or in line for a small tax return check...all it takes is a short time to strip you away of what keeps you an individual...to strip away years of your life....lost in material things, negative people, uncontrollable circumstances...or worst, our own inability to accept responsibility for our own actions, learn from them and progress.

She said ...so what should I do? She knows the answer so after 10 secs of silence, she answered her own question."Get a better job, sit down and talk to him, plan an exit strategy while saving, realize that moving was better for me and my child, and keep busy..." Exactly , I said, "and even when you meet the Wizard that helps you get back home , you always keep your traveling friends close...not to mention, me, so you NEVER get lost again.

I miss my friend. Hope she finds her way back home....

:-(



PS..if you are wondering what psychological problem I attribute to myself....maybe it altruism...who knows? look it up.